How to come back from a Painful loss.

The previous post talks about the painful decision of trying and coping with loss.

What do you do when your world has seemingly turned upside down?

How do you recover and rebuild again? This post looks at how to come back from a loss or failed treatment cycle.

That’s the question we are faced with after a failed treatment.

Speaking from my own experience, I know that the days immediately after a failed cycle or loss are the worse.

I remember going around  like a zombie and feeling loss, helpless and alone.

I did not know what grief looks like, looking back now, I was grieving but carried on as normal. As the days went on, I slowly came round to the ideal that another treatment had failed and I had to deal with that, but how?

How?

First thing for me was crying I cried the first few days, I was so emotional I refused to eat. Not many people knew the pain I felt because they did not know I had undergone treatment.

Since I was unable to open before the treatment, I decided to spare them the details of my demise.

Crying was my outlet, but a temporary fix.

Temporary because whenever I saw a pregnant woman or baby the emotions came back anew.

I then had to think seriously about  my mental health and how to ensure my body returned to health. Crying for me was a temporary fix providing a temporary relief. Another helpful way I dealt with it was to

Speak out.

I remembered a few friends who had gone through similar situations reached out to me. I was glad they did. They were very supportive and did not attempt to reason my pain away.

One friend in particular just sat in silence with me and we said nothing, that was all I needed. No words, no reasoning.

Often people mistake our grief for an opportunity to offer advice, one has to be sensitive at such times and not assume anything in that moment.

Sometimes all we need is that silent nod which says,  “I care”, “I am here”, “I got you”.

Energy Outlet

To gain new insight into the situation, I channeled my emotions into learning how the next cycle will be better, I asked myself these questions.

“What was was done now”, what could be different“?

Firstly, I nurtured myself to health. I researched how my existing illness could be a contributing factor and the more I read, the clearer it became that it was.

I researched clinics and the type of treatment on offer. I read stories of others who had failed cycles – and how they overcame it.

As a result I gained useful information on clinics and treatments options.

Positivity.

I surrounded my myself and mind with positive vibe, I realised that this is not my fault. It is an illness which needed treatment.

By learning more about the situation and my particular illnesses I was comforted that perhaps there is a treatment option tailored for me.

I prayed

This should be number 1, but it wasn’t, it was difficult at first. But as the days went by, prayer offered a consolation which was a far better relief,

I was able to get rid of negative emotions. Which afforded me the opportunity to speak to a higher power.  

I am a Christian and I know that God helped me through this process and the dark days which accompanied it. So whenever I felt lonely or deeply sad, I talked to him.

I found hope in his assurance as well as being amongst like minded people encouraged me to keep going.

So on this national infertility week, be encouraged to look above, ask for help.

You may not apply these steps exactly, but I do hope that you have gain some perspective on how to deal with a loss or painful situation.

It is very easy to throw in the towels and give up, but never ever lose hope. The rain may be falling now, but the sun will shine again..

Your partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Related post:

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/10/23/a-painful-decision/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/08/14/speak-out/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/06/17/6-ways-to-deal-with-fathers-day/

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A Painful Decision

I love doing this, bringing awareness and hope to those on this journey.

This post will feature the story of a dear friend and their painful infertility journey.

Infertility is a destroyer of relationships, love and happiness.

A once happy vibrant couple can become bitter resentful and sometimes split as a result of the intensity brought on by infertility. The inability to conceive or birth a child can take away one’s hopes and dreams.

Izzy was once a vibrant, happy go lucky woman, she loves life, her job and her faith. She was 26 when she met David a simple happy guy, they were perfect for each other. After dating for one year they decided to tie the knot.

Before their wedding they made a private vow to never ever allow anything to change who they are. They love their carefree happy life and vowed to do everything to make sure it stayed that way.

They even wrote a poem to emphasis the point.

Our love will grow and may slow,

We may sail down paths unknown and encounter scenes unseen

But we will keep in view the picture of love that keeps us bound and sane.

And should we tread the path of pain

May we anchor to you our source of strength and eternal hope.

this was printed and placed in their living room. Wedding was celebrate in the simplest way possible and a year later they decided to try for baby. Little did they know fate had other plans waiting for them.

This decision changed the course of their lives and relationships. After a year of trying without success they sought help. By now Izzy was 28 and David 30.

Low sperm count how is that possible? David mused, why me, how how can it be. Several options for conception were presented to them, donor sperm, IVF, ISCI, AI.

David was not an excessive drinker, never smoked, never used drugs, he lived a healthy life. How is that possible? turns out he may have been born that way.

They decided to explore other options. They embraced all treatments option wholeheartedly, still nothing. Izzy was very supportive and finally  David agreed they should go for IVF Using a donor sperm.

THE PROCESS

The process was successful and implantation took place, then pregnancy.. they remained hopeful but were cautious, this was their first conception. Please Lord they prayed, may nothing go wrong.

But 2 month in, disaster struck, suddenly all symptoms stopped and she immediately knew something was wrong.

A scan confirmed their worst fear, no heartbeat was detected. They had suffered a miscarriage.

This loss was very difficult  particularly given their situation, needless to say they were both heart broken. David more so as he felt helpless and guilty, how is he supposed to help his wife, he is the cause yet he can’t do anything about it.

It was an intense period of grief for them. How can they come so close only to be still so far.

It was too painful and this led them to take the painful decision not to go down the IVF rout again.

Their Decision?

If it happens so be it. But they will not put themselves, their happiness, well being and relationship on the line.

This was by no means an easy decision for the couple mainly because David  has a low spent count.

Sadly I have met quite a few couples who have decided not to pursue their dream of being parents via IVF as a result of the intense pain and heartbreak suffered from miscarriage or failure.

We came close to making that choice as each miscarriage and failed IVF becomes more lingual than the last.

I found the pain of another failure more intense than the last.

THE FUTURE

Well 3 years down the line Izzy and David  have somehow rebuilt their lives again and are well on their way to the coupe they were before IVF.

How did they do it? Find our in the next article. Ways to come back from a failed treatment.

Related post

https://faithfulwait.com/2016/09/22/exploring-other-options/

Pregnancy Over 35!

Today we learnt, our very own duchess Megan is pregnant at age 37. The little darling is expected in spring of 2019.

How amazing. She was beaming from ear to ear as she touched down in Australia earlier today.

Why this post you may wonder?

Well, it is a good news story and l love sharing good news, she is 37! And often we are told how difficult it is to conceive over that age.

We are constantly told and with good reason that a woman’s fertility falls off significantly once she reaches her 35th birthday, according to Katherine O’Brien, head of policy research at the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (bpas), women should not  panic about conception after the age of 35.

According to her, there are evidence which suggests that having sex twice a week, 82 per cent of women aged 35-39 will conceive within one year of trying.

While women in their late thirties might have to try harder to conceive, they stand a high chance of falling pregnant relatively swiftly (HUFFPOST).

Of course the biological clock is real but the age with the most decline is in one’s 40s.

That is not to say women below the age bracket cannot be faced with problems.

Women of any age can be faced with infertility.

We started trying when I was 30, and I only fell pregnant after a few IVF attempts at age of 38.

The bottom line here is that a woman who leads a relatively healthy life like Magen does have a higher chance of falling pregnant.

Luck or Cause:

I use to have to deal with comments which suggests we were just unfortunate. “you are so young and can’t get pregnant”? I also thought it was my fate to suffer this disease, friends who have also suffered this disease often joked that they were unlucky.

Knowing what I know now I don’t think my particular situation was down to luck, I had an underlying disease which I believe affected my ability to fall pregnant easily.

For others they may have lived  a relatively healthy life and still for some reason unable to fall pregnant. So it could be luck for some and medical for others? I don’t know.
But generally adopting a healthy lifestyle is of great benefit to a achieving one’s  quest for parenthood.

I know Megan is lives a healthy lifestyle and maybe just maybe luck was also on her side. Regardless it’s nice not to suffer the dreaded disease.

Causes of infertility

women in their mid to late thirties conceive naturally if they are ovulating regularly and have no known cause of sub-fertility and have maintained a healthy lifestyle when there is no male factor problem. Men’s age also has an impact on their fertility.”

According to the NHS websites the known causes of infertility are

Irregular ovulation

Endometriosis

Low spent count,

Low egg quality

Age

Pelvic inflammatory disease

Polycystic ovary

Cervical mucus problem.

It advised women over 35 to consult their GP if they have not conceived after trying regularly for 12 months.


Everyone’s story is different, whether you have been trying for a few months or a few years, keep your hopes alive with the news of Megan’s pregnancy. Who knows Mother Nature may smile on you soon.

Whatever the length of time please seek medical help if you have been trying for 12 months without success.

Your partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Related post

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/02/22/endometriosis-a-cause-of-infertility/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/03/19/infertility-a-male-and-female-issue/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/09/15/good-news-statistics/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/04/08/a-womans-dilemma-is-40-too-old/

Good News Statistics

Recent data coming from Austria reveals an increase in the Birth rate due to IVF. This increase has been attributed to major technological developments in IVF technology.

It is no secret that a woman’s age is a big factor when it comes to IVF. women are born with a certain number of eggs which decreases in number and quality, the older they become making it harder to conceive.

With the improvement in technology, there has been an increase in older women being able to conceive and bear a child.

According to a report by the fertility society of Austrian women over 40 are choosing to undergo IVF procedures as success rates have gone up by 13 percent.

The research also reported that 1 in every 25 births in Austria’s is due to IVF with over 13,000 babies born via the procedure in the year 2016/2017.

This is certainly good news to those faced with infertility, it shows nothing is impossible with the right treatment.

Austria is not an isolated success story, the increase in birth for the over 40s is increasing across the globe.

One reason is better diagnosis of the disease, advanced in technology and better education of women over 40.

I see this as a big leap in the IVF treatment, giving joy in the form of a child to couples

If you are over 40, be encourage, there is her hope for you.

If you have been trying for a while, find out what you need to do differently? What new treatments are available where you are? Are there new tests which you can be offered?

As the saying goes, knowledge is power, be knowledgeable and know what is out there.

If you enjoy reading our blogs, please subscribe, share and like.

Thank you.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi.

Related Post

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/07/25/breakthrough-miracle/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/06/04/the-over-50-debate/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/04/08/a-womans-dilemma-is-40-too-old/

Speak Out

The struggles one goes through while battening infertility are numerous. I use to feel like the journey will never come to an end. I felt helpless by the lack of a diagnosis.

Amongst other issues I felt there was no one I can talk to. Everyone around me had a baby, no one struggled the same way I perceived , who will understand? I did not feel I could speak to those who walked the same road, but I was wrong.

I just needed to speak out. Find a medium and speak about it. I did do something I began to write and the moment I did, my journey of hope began. I no longer felt alone.

I found a support I never knew was there. Writing also helped me to open up and offer support to others.

When we bottle our feelings we close the doors to allowing ourselves to experience release from pain and fear. Our hopes remain bottled up.

Reading about the struggles of Gaberiella Union in her journey through infertility is encouraging.

As she said, “it’s either I am currently undergoing a cycle, coming out of a treatment or preparing for one”. Speaking out releases and helps her deal with the process.

Read the article here

https://www.purewow.com/news/gabrielle-union-fertility-struggles

She’d like to tell women going through the same thing, to overcome the fear of hiding it. “Just know if you are out there having fertility issues,” she said, “you are not alone.”

That’s my encouragement to you. You are not alone.speak out, and you will find renewed hope and support.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Single Women and IVF

What do you do when your biological clock is ticking?

Who should be the judge of that? Society or the woman?

This woman took that decision and more are doing the same

Why I chose to go it alone with IVF – BBC Newshttps://apple.news/AT_rul6gET3qrnYl1vuT_GA

Breakthrough Miracle

40 years ago Louis Brown was born. She is the first test tube baby. Today countless number of families have had their wishes come through via the same process.

I am certain that in those early days there were lots of cynics who thought this was as good as it was ever going to get that science cannot develop any further than that.

Soon after Ms Brown’s birth, Australia’s first IVF baby, Candice Reed, was born on June 23, 1980

Both babies were born using a woman’s natural ovulation cycle.

Professor Trounson and his colleagues started trialling fertility drugs to try to control the cycle.

“It worked. Suddenly everything became possible,” he said.

According to mews, Professor Wood’s team also pioneered techniques to inject sperm into eggs to overcome male infertility; egg donation resulting in the world’s first donor egg pregnancy; and freezing embryos, which resulted in the world’s first frozen embryo pregnancy.

These break through in reproductive technology was made possible by vision and trial.

Without which thousands would not have achieved their dreams.

Don’t dare give up, don’t despair,

Keep hope alive

Try and try again in your quest towards having a baby.

Who knows soon you too may celebrate your breakthrough miracle.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

IVF: Who Gets Funded?

For couples struggling to conceive after several try, IVF May seem the only option. No treatment plan is easy and to decide to take the leap is to choose to hope and to dream that one will become a parent at the end. To get there, first couples have to meet several rigorous health checks.

The national institute for health care makes recommendation as to who should get funding on the NHS.

Women under 40

NICE recommends 3 IVFs cycle to these group of women on the NHS. Provided

  • They have been trying to have regular unprotected sex for 2 years.
  • And they’ve not been able to get pregnant after 12 cycles of artificial insemination

women who are 40 – 42 are given 1 cycle of IVF in the NHS.

Provided that they have been

  • Trying to conceive for 2 years
  • have not been able to get pregnant after 12 cycles of artificial insemination.
  • They have never had IVF before and
  • Test do not indicate low levels of ovaries or low in quality.

The provision of IVF treatment varies across the country. Although NHS trust across the country are working to provide the same service this often depends on the local CCG. (Clinical commission group).

The CCG may have additional criteria before you can have IVF on the NHS, such as:

  • Not having any children already, from both your current and any previous relationships
  • Being a healthy weight
  • A non smoker.
  • falling into a certain age range (for example, some CCGs only fund treatment for women under 35)
  • In some cases, only 1 cycle of IVF may be routinely offered, instead of the 3 recommended by NICE
  • (from NHS UK).

The process of being accepted and rejected can be daunting. Having to be rejected based on age is like being punished for not trying early.

The decision for most older women is not that easy, they may not have met the right guy early enough and for those who did they might just fall outside of the recommended age by a year. Some CCG offers treatment to those below 35.

The over 35s may have secondary infertility. This leaves the only option available which is to go the private route.

Regardless, the NHS is trying to help first timers and cases which are not as complicated. This surely is a good thing, but no consolation to those who are unable to have funded for their treatment.

Weight check is important as Research have show that a healthy weight is beneficial in many ways.

My advice to anyone seeking IVF on the NHS is this:

Ask your GP or contact your local CCG to find out what the criteria for NHS-funded IVF treatment are in your area.

Private option is your only choice If you do not meet the funding criteria, you can contact the clinics directly or get a referral from your GP.

Going private comes at a huge cost with average cost at £5,000 or more per cycle.

There maybe additional cost of consultation fees, blood test and other adds on..

Find out exactly what is included in the cost before embarking on treatment.

Finally have faith in your body, be positive and keep hope alive.

Your Partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

Sources:

NHS choice, HFEA (Human Fertility and Embryology Authority.

6 Ways To Deal With Father’s Day

Father’s day is here and for the man dealing with infertility it can be pretty tough. How do you deal with the public adulation from children to their father and from mums to the father of their children?

Often men do not express their feelings, the focus of infertility is on the female.

The emotional roller coaster faced by men Is made worse at this time of the year when fathers are being appreciated.

The fact that a man does not express his feelings does not mean that they feel nothing.

The inability to father a child is very much felt by man as it is women

So how do you deal with Father’s Day as a man facing infertility?

Here are 6 ways to deal with Father’s day celebration.

1. Stay focus on what’s important: often we take our eyes off the important things in life, like good friends, partners, good health and family support. Stay focus on these instead of your inability to be a dad.

2. Appreciate the good things in your life right now. Do you have a supportive spouse this is the time to appreciate and celebrate them.

Do you have a good community of friends who understand the situation you are in. Appreciate them and show them you care for and value their support.

3. Allow yourself to be hopeful : it is very tempting to lock up your emotions and shut out every mention of the word Father’s Day. However this may be a chance for you to allow yourself to be hopeful.

You may not be a father today, and are faced with many challenges, regardless be hopeful. Be hopeful that perhaps this too will pass. And one day you too will be called father, papa or dad.

4. Reflect: If the celebration of Father’s Day is too much to handle, use this time to go away from it all and reflect. Reflect on the process and what you have become. If you have become bitter, search and see if there is a way you can become more appreciate of the live and love you have.

This is also a time to think about your partner, have you drifted apart as a result of infertility? Plan ways to rekindle the love you once felt. Also use this as an opportunity to talk about the future, dream together and plan together.

5. Pray and believe: infertility for men ca be especially difficult as men often pride themselves as giver of live. Most talk about their prowess is the bedroom. To be faced with infertility is bog knock on their ego. Still pray and believe you can father a child via legal means. Consider the possibilities and be hopeful to the point of believe.

So you may not be a father today? Tomorrow is a new day. Let yourself celebrate all that is good and true in you. Appreciate what you have and face the future with renewed strength and faith in your body.

Your partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

The Over 50 Debate

I am always excited whenever I hear about couples finding joy in having their dreams fulfilled in the birth of a baby. Especially having gone through hoops and loops in the form of several IVFs, miscarriages and to finally triumph and hold one’s child, is joy indescribable. .

The internet went into overdrive last week when Brigitte Nielsen the ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone posted a picture of her pregnancy at 54.

This rekindled the conversation about having a baby over a certain age. And once again a woman’s decision is questioned her whole life is being judged by this singular act, nothing else.

I don’t know anything about her, but I was happy to read this news because there is something about a woman who decides to birth again. I am a firm believer in going for your dreams against all odds, against the norm no matter what.

I know first hand what it is like to want a child so bad your belly ache, you live, breath and dream of that one desire. Nothing can replace it, no amount of fame and fortune can quench the hunger or desire to hold one’s child. Hope Against Hope

It’s about Choices:

Recently, Ireland vote to change the abortion laws to give women a choice. So it’s all about one’s choice knowing the risk in becoming pregnant late in life.

Why should a woman in her 50s give up a life of peace and quiet for a life of nappies, sleeplessness, school runs?

Unless they know that at the end of it all they may find happiness. They put everything on the line for the 1% chance of being a parent.

Statistics:

According to recent Statistics, there are more women having babies over 40s and well into their 50s. I have previously wrote about it in A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?

There is an increase in children born to women over this age group than at any other time in history. Here are a few reasons why this is so:

  • Advancement in technologies, and in being able to treat women in this age group, means more couples are trying again, daring to hope again and take a shot at being happy.
  • Also, women who have previously given up all hope of having children can believe again due to the increase rates of egg donations which is helping to raise the odds that women in their fifties and even sixties can have successful pregnancies.
  • Higher life is also another reason couples are willing to take the risk. As people live longer, they are not longer afraid that they will die and live their children orphans.

According to the medical director and chief Scientist at the Center for Human Reproduction, Dr. Norbert Gleicher who specializes in treatments of last resort for women who are either older or have had complications.

A healthy woman will have a completely normal pregnancy, and with careful screening can help  obstetrics prepare for any pregnancy complications by detecting the risks and problems before pregnancy.

Children are joy givers, they bring happiness.  They fill our days with love, laughter and Joy. In my worst moments whenever my kids walk in nothing else matters, it doesn’t matter how bad the issue is, they always make me feel better. They help put things in perspective it. Who wouldn’t want that?  Why should age determine whether one should be happy?

Of course there is risk in becoming pregnant well into our 50s, risk for both baby and mother, but we live in hope.

Hope that we will come through.

How that our babies will be fine.

Hope that perhaps we will become part of the few who to make it through to the other side.

Hope of joy at the end of our trials.

We can only try if the desire persist and hope lingers.Medicine can not explain this desire, nothing can take one’s hope away simply because we are judged as too old.

A woman should be the judge of that. Having sort medical advise and are aware of the risk involved if she and her partner still wants to go for it, it is their call, their choice, their Joy.

I pray that you find your rainbow and your desires for a child becomes a reality.

Your Partner In Hope

D’Ebi

Source: New scientist, Human fertilisation and embryology society,NHS direct.

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