6 Ways To Deal With Father’s Day

Father’s day is here and for the man dealing with infertility it can be pretty tough. How do you deal with the public adulation from children to their father and from mums to the father of their children?

Often men do not express their feelings, the focus of infertility is on the female.

The emotional roller coaster faced by men Is made worse at this time of the year when fathers are being appreciated.

The fact that a man does not express his feelings does not mean that they feel nothing.

The inability to father a child is very much felt by man as it is women

So how do you deal with Father’s Day as a man facing infertility?

Here are 6 ways to deal with Father’s day celebration.

1. Stay focus on what’s important: often we take our eyes off the important things in life, like good friends, partners, good health and family support. Stay focus on these instead of your inability to be a dad.

2. Appreciate the good things in your life right now. Do you have a supportive spouse this is the time to appreciate and celebrate them.

Do you have a good community of friends who understand the situation you are in. Appreciate them and show them you care for and value their support.

3. Allow yourself to be hopeful : it is very tempting to lock up your emotions and shut out every mention of the word Father’s Day. However this may be a chance for you to allow yourself to be hopeful.

You may not be a father today, and are faced with many challenges, regardless be hopeful. Be hopeful that perhaps this too will pass. And one day you too will be called father, papa or dad.

4. Reflect: If the celebration of Father’s Day is too much to handle, use this time to go away from it all and reflect. Reflect on the process and what you have become. If you have become bitter, search and see if there is a way you can become more appreciate of the live and love you have.

This is also a time to think about your partner, have you drifted apart as a result of infertility? Plan ways to rekindle the love you once felt. Also use this as an opportunity to talk about the future, dream together and plan together.

5. Pray and believe: infertility for men ca be especially difficult as men often pride themselves as giver of live. Most talk about their prowess is the bedroom. To be faced with infertility is bog knock on their ego. Still pray and believe you can father a child via legal means. Consider the possibilities and be hopeful to the point of believe.

So you may not be a father today? Tomorrow is a new day. Let yourself celebrate all that is good and true in you. Appreciate what you have and face the future with renewed strength and faith in your body.

Your partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

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The Over 50 Debate

I am always excited whenever I hear about couples finding joy in having their dreams fulfilled in the birth of a baby. Especially having gone through hoops and loops in the form of several IVFs, miscarriages and to finally triumph and hold one’s child, is joy indescribable. .

The internet went into overdrive last week when Brigitte Nielsen the ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone posted a picture of her pregnancy at 54.

This rekindled the conversation about having a baby over a certain age. And once again a woman’s decision is questioned her whole life is being judged by this singular act, nothing else.

I don’t know anything about her, but I was happy to read this news because there is something about a woman who decides to birth again. I am a firm believer in going for your dreams against all odds, against the norm no matter what.

I know first hand what it is like to want a child so bad your belly ache, you live, breath and dream of that one desire. Nothing can replace it, no amount of fame and fortune can quench the hunger or desire to hold one’s child. Hope Against Hope

It’s about Choices:

Recently, Ireland vote to change the abortion laws to give women a choice. So it’s all about one’s choice knowing the risk in becoming pregnant late in life.

Why should a woman in her 50s give up a life of peace and quiet for a life of nappies, sleeplessness, school runs?

Unless they know that at the end of it all they may find happiness. They put everything on the line for the 1% chance of being a parent.

Statistics:

According to recent Statistics, there are more women having babies over 40s and well into their 50s. I have previously wrote about it in A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?

There is an increase in children born to women over this age group than at any other time in history. Here are a few reasons why this is so:

  • Advancement in technologies, and in being able to treat women in this age group, means more couples are trying again, daring to hope again and take a shot at being happy.
  • Also, women who have previously given up all hope of having children can believe again due to the increase rates of egg donations which is helping to raise the odds that women in their fifties and even sixties can have successful pregnancies.
  • Higher life is also another reason couples are willing to take the risk. As people live longer, they are not longer afraid that they will die and live their children orphans.

According to the medical director and chief Scientist at the Center for Human Reproduction, Dr. Norbert Gleicher who specializes in treatments of last resort for women who are either older or have had complications.

A healthy woman will have a completely normal pregnancy, and with careful screening can help  obstetrics prepare for any pregnancy complications by detecting the risks and problems before pregnancy.

Children are joy givers, they bring happiness.  They fill our days with love, laughter and Joy. In my worst moments whenever my kids walk in nothing else matters, it doesn’t matter how bad the issue is, they always make me feel better. They help put things in perspective it. Who wouldn’t want that?  Why should age determine whether one should be happy?

Of course there is risk in becoming pregnant well into our 50s, risk for both baby and mother, but we live in hope.

Hope that we will come through.

How that our babies will be fine.

Hope that perhaps we will become part of the few who to make it through to the other side.

Hope of joy at the end of our trials.

We can only try if the desire persist and hope lingers.Medicine can not explain this desire, nothing can take one’s hope away simply because we are judged as too old.

A woman should be the judge of that. Having sort medical advise and are aware of the risk involved if she and her partner still wants to go for it, it is their call, their choice, their Joy.

I pray that you find your rainbow and your desires for a child becomes a reality.

Your Partner In Hope

D’Ebi

Source: New scientist, Human fertilisation and embryology society,NHS direct.

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FaithfulWait: A Reflective Journal for Those in Waiting.

Waiting can sometimes be long or short, regardless of the length of time, and depending on what we are waiting for it can be heartbreaking and disheartening. While waiting to have a baby I journaled a lot.

I had no specific or dedicated journal to write in I just wrote on anything I can grab my hands on.

I wanted to have a journal Faithful wait where I can collate all my thoughts. I realised while waiting that there was a need for something to write down our thoughts. Hence this journal.

This journal is design to encourage those who are currently waiting for one thing or another. Waiting is difficult and can be isolating, painful and leads to discouragement.

Using quotes and scriptures, this journal relays a message of comfort, hope and active focus, whilst in the corridors of waiting.

It also has an area where you can capture your thoughts and write down daily positive affirmations for yourself.

I hope that the clear, simple, short weekly read will encourage those waiting for any issue. Order now Faithful wait

Happy Readin😘

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Giving Up: A Painful Choice.

The decision to stop seeking treatment can be a painful one and one I am thankful I did not have to make.

But I did give it a lot of thought see my post “Do You Call It Quit”?

I explored what it would be like to live without being a mum. I remember thinking I can never not be a mum. It just won’t happen, I have to have a child somehow but consoled myself with thoughts like, it will be fun. I will travel the world unhindered.

At one point we did discuss the fact that we might consider other option if at 40 I was still not pregnant. Luckily I did not have to make

that choice.

I cannot imagine the ache Lisa Riley might have gone through to make that painful decision.

She was undergoing treatment and was told she should consider stopping further treatment as the quality of her eggs were very low to produce any viable outcome.

She describe the moment as a “blow”.

The Process of grieving and healing

If you are facing the prospect of calling it quits with treatment and giving up hope of being a parent, for whatever reason. There will be a grieving and a healing process.

My friend who gave up her hope of being a parent refers to the grieving process as a burial ceremony, heart wrenching extreme loss.

When she came to the realization that this is it., the hope of never carrying her own baby, of never having to experience anyone call her mother,

The pregnancy hormones will never buzz through her body. (She was not open to adoption or other means of becoming a mum).

She had to mourn the future she will never have. She grieved for a long time then began the healing

She described the healing process as a rebirth a new beginning a rediscovering of herself and a world of endless opportunities.

This discovery was a springboard to other adventures one that led her true purpose.

She knew she was healed when she can look at a pregnant woman and not well up with tears

I don’t know how your story will end, But I do hope it ends with you having a baby of your own.

I do also hope that if you come to the point of making the painful decision to give up trying you will find peace in the process and discover your true worth.

You will come to understand a deeper sense of belonging and that we cannot be restricted by or defined by our situation, but become stronger, better by it.

Stay the course, do what you have to do, but above all, believe, pray and have faith.

Your partner in Hope

D’Ebi

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Research on Male Infertility lagging behind.

I recalled thinking how few men were present during my many trips to a fertility clinics.

Understandably it’s the woman who has to take the shots of injection to stimulate her ovaries.

Even in cases where the problem is male related, yet woman still has to be stimulated to produce eggs.

The male factor regarding infertility is not often talked about. In my previous post i talked about how it is automatically assumed to be a woman’s issue.

The following article talks about tackling the stigma surrounding Male Infertility.

Click on the link to assess it.

https://www.raconteur.net/healthcare/tackling-stigma-around-male-infertility

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Charred summer BBQ food could lead to fertility problems, new research reveals

The UK finally welcomed some much needed sunshine today. We basked in its glory and welcomed it with cold drinks, ice creams, music, sun hats and shades.

This weekend will see dinners in the gardens and parks as the BBQ makes its appearance .

If you are TTC (trying to conceive), a new research finds that charred Summer BBQ may not be the best options .

There is no arm in knowing, so please read and decide for yourself.

Read more at http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/wellbeing/blackened-charred-foods-bad-for-fertility-360707#3lG0ek4yIRm7Ztyo.99

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Exploring Other Options: ICSI

I have previously written on exploring other options when it comes to seeking fertility treatment. This POST will examine one of those options the ICSI.

According to the HFEA.

the cause of infertility in around half of couples having problems conceiving is sperm-related. ICSI offers hope to these couples most common and successful treatment for male infertility.

ICSE means – (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection )ICSI is a specialised form of In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) it is used for the treatment of severe cases of male-factor infertility.

It is intended for couples with the following problems.

very low sperm count

abnormally shaped sperm (poor morphology) or where the sperm move abnormally (poor motility)

previous IVF TREATMENT.

A situation Where the sperm needs to be collected surgically from the testicles or epididymis (a narrow tube inside the scrotum where sperm are stored and matured); possibly because of vasectomy,

The process involves the injection of a single sperm directly into a mature egg.

Just like IVF the process involves stimulating the ovaries to produce a mature egg. Once the eggs are matured they are retrieved and fertilised with the sperm.

When the egg is fertilised it is left in the lab for a few days.

The embryo is transfer

embryo transfer can be two in some cases the number of embryo transferred depends on the woman’s age, once transferred it is recommended that the woman reduce their movement for the next 24 hours. the remaining good-quality embryos will be frozen and stored to be used in future cycle if necessary.

After the transfer, then begin the wait, before the all-important pregnancy test.

Availability:

according to the NHS website couples undergoing IVF treatment can use ICSI as a method of insemination if required.

The University Hospitals Coventry and Warwickshire NHS Trust was one of the first in the country to be licensed to offer the treatment.

How is ICSI different from IVF?

The steps are similar at the early stages however with IVF the eggs are placed together with the sperm fertilization occurs when the sperm swims to the egg.

In ICSI there is a bit more interference by the embryologist. Here the sperm is selected and injected directly into the egg.This maximises the chance of fertilisation taking place as it bypasses any potential problems the sperm will have in actually getting to the egg.

the success rate?

generally the success rate for both IVF and ICSI are similar. According to the HFEA fertilisation happens in around 90% of cases.

Fertilisation doesn’t necessarily means a successful pregnancy.

One of the deterring factor for success is a woman’s age and any previous difficulty.in conceiving. After transfer there is a 2 weeks wait at before pregnancy can be confirmed by a blood test.

I hope you found this useful. For more in depth information please visit the Following website

NHS UK

HFEA

And your family Doctor

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?

I had my first child at 38 and even then, I was considered an older mum. I remembered vividly the results of my first IVF treatment.
I was shocked to learn that my eggs were so unhealthy, they started fragmenting before fertilisation.
Out of 7 eggs, 5 where so unhealthy and did not develop further. The remaining 2 fragmented before fertilisation. This left me wondering why women were built with finite number of eggs.

In this postI want to highlight women who fell pregnant after 40 as well as give my thoughts on whether there is a best time for a baby.
There is so much to read about a woman’s abilities to fall pregnant after 40. News outlets are filled with apocalyptic stories of women leaving it too late to have a baby.

The question is should you or shouldn’t you have a baby after 40?

img_3570.jpgHeadlines like “female clock is ticking”, “decline in birth rate”, certainly struck fear in me, as I tried for 7 years without success.

With the associated increase in miscarriages and other risk involved, statistics has shown that more women in their 40s are becoming mothers for the first time.

Perhaps Women who had given up, now have confidence to try again after reading stories of celebrities’ mum over 40 and improvement in Fertility treatment.
Although medically the chances of a woman getting pregnant after 45 reduces drastically. It is still possible, either with your own eggs or that a donor or a surrogate.
Women do lose 90 percent of their eggs by 30, that still leaves them with 10,000. Only one is needed to make a baby. Which means there is still a chance it can happen.

Here are some famous women who had children over 40.

  • Cherie Blair, The British Prime minister’s wife was surprised to be pregnant at 45. She was 45 when she had Leo, her fourth child. She revealed in her autobiography her surprise baby was conceived during a trip to Balmoral.
  • Halle Berry had her 2nd child at the age of 46. she thought it was impossible, but there we go. She said” this has been the biggest surprise of my life. To tell you the truth I was kind of past the point where this could be the reality. She went on to have her second child at 47.
  • Susan Sarandon was 42 and 45 respectively when she gave birth to her two boys.
  • Celine Dion was 42 when she welcomed her twin boys.
  • Kelly Preston Gave birth to a son at the age of 48, in 2010 after losing her son Jet. She’s married to John Travolta.
  • Mariah Carey Mariah welcomed twins with her then husband at the age of 42.
  • D’Angelo In 2001, she had twins with her then boyfriend Al Pacino at 49.
  • Nicole Kidman Welcome her first biological child at 40 and her second was born via a surrogate at 43.
  • Marcia cross At 45 the desperate housewife star gave birth to twin girls.
  • Janet Jackson More recently we saw Janet Jackson gave birth to her first child at the age of 50.
  • Geena Davis In 2002 gave birth to daughter Alizeh at 46 and had twin boys at 48. She has said of being an older parent: “If I’d had kids earlier, I could easily have become one of those mothers who over-involve themselves and try to live life through their kids … In my case, I became a parent with exactly the right person, at exactly the right time.”
  • Nancy grace, A former CNN ANCHOR WOMAN had twins with her husband. She told people mag in 2007, she didn’t think it would happen for her. And as part of God’s mysterious plan I am given this wonderful blessing later in life and I couldn’t be happier.

According to the HFEA, forty-something mothers are more likely to be first-timers, and their numbers are rising.

Office for National Statistics figures show that pregnancy rates for over-40s have more than doubled in the past 24 years, with 14 conceptions per 1,000 women aged 40-plus compared with six per 1,000 in 1990.

Is there a best time?
Yes. Our biology has fashioned us to produce more eggs and healthier ones at that, earlier in our lives. So according to biology this is the best time.
However, there are other factors that determine when to have a baby.
For instance, meeting the right person. For many women, not meeting their partners in their 20s and 30s have a huge part in determining when they start a family early. See this post The “age” thing
I personally have not met any older mum who put her fertility on hold to have a career. Even when they met someone earlier on in their lives, the struggle to conceive was evident earlier on.

I think the determining factor should be a woman. Everyone must look at themselves and their circumstances and ask the questions. Should I? Shouldn’t I?

Will I be happier without kids?
How will my life look like 20 years from now?
Would it matter to me a great deal if I do not have kids to leave behind?
The way you answer these questions will determine whether you will continue to try late into your 50s. These questions are personal to everyone.

One should note that having babies over 40 has its risk:
only 4 percent of IVF cycles ends in a live birth in women aged 42 and older. Miscarriage rates soar in the over-40s, from an average 7 per cent to 18 per cent, and the risk of stillbirth doubles.
On the plus side, research indicates that “older” mothers usually have more solid marriages, command higher salaries and live longer than women who have their children in their twenties. When interviewed, these women almost invariably report that choosing to delay motherhood was the best choice they’ve made.

Your body may have made the choice for you, but really the choice is yours. If you desire a baby and have answered the quesitons above, I wish you all the best in your quest as you move on to the next step in the journey.

Your Partner In Hope

D’Ebi

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It Only Takes One Egg

I had to share this story with you, because I can identify with it. After several failed IUI they decided to try IVF and now have a baby.

Parents celebrate getting through a three year infertility struggle with a photo of their baby boy surrounded by IVF needles

The process though was not without uncertainty.

The most difficult part of trying for a baby for me was not knowing when. The uncertainties and the endless questions of when and how were often unbearable.

I remembered the 3rd IVF treatment that gave me my little girl. We were excited to learn that 12 eggs were retrieved, but on a follow up call the next day only 5 were viable and fertilised. Out of those, only one developed enough to be transferred back.

I recall our disappointments at this news, we had little hope of any outcome from this egg.

The thought that this egg might not develop was enough to cause me to fret..

My previous treatments were similar to this but each time the eggs fragment before

Fertilisation. So I was not particularly hopeful or expecting anything to come out of this. My only consolation was that this time around at least they got a decent egg that fertilised and implanted

My husband reminded me that we only needed one egg and that kept me going.

I was so stressed during the two weeks Wait I was convinced the procedure had failed.

To say I was elated was an understatement I was shocked and not excited, nervous at was was to come..

it really does take one. It is only normal human emotion for our past experiences to influence our way of thinking..

Being hopeful requires conscious effort on my part. So today if you are in that place where your Hope reservoir is pretty low and almost ran out.. just remember it only takes one egg and as long as you are here and trying who knows you too may welcome your own little miracle..

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Infertility: A Male and Female Issue.

The first sign that something is wrong soon after a couple decides to have a baby, is when the woman fails to fall pregnant after a few months of trying. Some couples remain hopeful and think nothing about infertility.

I had never thought of the word infertility before I was faced with it. Our inability to become pregnant led to the first of many consultations and test.

The test were performed on both of us and we felt confident about our reproductive abilities. I guess no one wants to think their body is in capable of performing the role it was intended to.

We were relieved to know that neither of us had any reason to stop us from getting pregnant. The results of our test was no comfort when we to fall pregnant.

The thought that I am the reason for our demise never left me and as I spoke to other women facing similar trials I came to learn that women view themselves as the main Cause.

Many ethnicities view infertility as a woman’s sole responsibility and so many marriages have broken down from interference by the man’s family. “They just can’t understand why their son remains married to a infertile woman”.

I witness first hand as a friend struggled to convince her husband to undergo some test to determine the cause of their problems.

In the end, their marriage broke up because he strongly refused to undergo any form of test, claiming he had fathered a child before, so he can’t possibly be impotent.

There lies the perception, that infertility is a female issue and this stems from age old misconceptions that it is a woman’s duty to produce an heir for her husband/Partner. Therefore she’s ultimately to blame for failing to be pregnant.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in its 2014-2016 report finds that amongst other issues, male infertility is the most common reason why British couples seek IVF treatment.

No man wants to believe they are “shooting blank”. And it is a common male locker room banter to hear men claiming they might have secretly fathered a child unknown to him.

On the country, most women I know blame themselves even before any test results. Often excusing their partners as innocent party to this unfortunate event thrust upon them.

Women are their most fierce critics, blaming themselves for putting their career first, being too choosy, as a result their biologists clocked has timed out.

New research such as those conducted by

Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School in Boston shows that sperm quality markedly decline with age. This make it harder for men to sire children well into old age as well as the possibilities of birth defect if they father kids later in life.

The solution:

I personally feel the solution or part of the way forward is for men to acknowledge that there is a possibility they might have the problem and be willing to undergo some test.

Men should not assume that because they fathered a child before, that rules them out from having any infertility problems in the future.

Women should also not automatically assume the blame without a clear diagnoses, even then the man should also get tested. They should stop denigrating and being self critical.

Given the heartbreak, invasion of one’s life and mental upheaval one faces, it is important for couples to be supportive of each other regardless of who has the issue. Infertility should not be seen as an arena dedicated solely to women, but rather a shared burden.

Society has a duty to educate everyone that It can be both a male and female issue. And dispel this wrong thinking when it comes to infertility.

Related Post:

A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?Infertility: A lonely JourneyOthers View Point