I want out, I cannot do this anymore
I am tired, I am worn out, I cannot try another month.
I carried on ranting at no one in particular, I guess God was the closest one so you can say I was ranting at Him. A thought suddenly dropped in me, it was as if someone spoke .
Is your womb tired of waiting? I stopped to think about it, really is my womb tired or am I just tired and angry that my womb is still empty.
As I look back over my diary, I smiled in recollection at the day I vented on God.
I pondered this over and over, and asked myself the question. Is my womb tired? Did it scream out at me to stop trying? No, My womb was not tired, I was, my soul and heart yearned for a baby,
I yearned to carry my child.
After this rant I was still and quiet for a while.
I recalled being in that position for hours, I might have fallen asleep, then I woke up to a warmth that was both comforting and safe. My Heavenly Father came down and wrapped his arms around me and filled me with his warmth and comfort.
I stood up filled with peace. He cares about my needs, he has not forgotten me, he is not angry at my rant.
Waiting for a child does all kinds of things to your senses, you talk to yourself, to an empty crib/room, suspicious of friends and rant at God. We experience all kinds of emotions, guilt, fear, loneliness, the list is endless. In the midst of my emotional roller coaster, I was able to do these 3 things daily, I stopped beating myself up, I practise meditating, and I became more thankful, it did not happen overnight, by committing 10 minutes at the beginning I was able to experience peace while I wait.
Here are my 3 tips to help you as you wait:
1. Don’t beat yourself up, it is normal to be frustrated by the long wait, to cry and question our decision to carry on. Don’t beat up yourself or feel bad that you have reacted the way you did. Each time it happens see the next step below and while meditating, you will experience a calmness you have never felt before.
2. Have a quiet moment with yourself daily, no matter how busy you are, set time apart to be quiet. During such times, you can decide to put on some calming music, mediated by breathing in and out and just focus on the breathing, or you can just speak encouraging words to yourself. Practising calm goes a long way to release us from the tension of waiting. I am usually reinvigorated, more peaceful, hopeful and most of all, reassured that I am whole, sound and normal.
3. Be thankful always: it is so easy to take our eyes of the many blessings surrounding us, as infertility have a way of clouding our vision. Practise being thankful daily. I read sometime ago that finding 3 different things to be thankful for daily creates an atmosphere of happiness and encourages the mind to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. You can find 3 things to be thankful during your quiet times.
The more I did these the more change I experienced, everyone notice the change in me, my friends and family commented that I was a different person, truth be told some even thought we had stopped trying as we they could not understand why I looked so at peace and happy.
Our experiences should make us better, not bitter
So the next time you go on a rant spree. Don’t beat yourself you can let loose on you Heavenly Father, he can take it, he knows your deepest needs. When you feel tired and think you cannot stand another red flow, another stare from friends and family. When you feel You cannot face another negative test, he will be right by your side with arms wide open waiting to hold you.
Let your soul run to him for he is your comfort and strength. The journey to having your hearts desires met may be long but the road to him is not.