Month: August 2016

Unfair Generosity

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be the momI often hear statements like these “life’s not for”, or ‘this is not fair’. We uttered these words during times of hardships or whenever we are faced with difficult circumstances..

For me, I saw life as unfair when I failed to get pregnant while a young girl who has no means of taking  care of her child keeps getting pregnant.
Life isn’t fair when those who have no business having kids, do and the kids end up being abused.

I will never forget the day I cried after watching the sentencing of a couple who murdered their child, ‘it’s not fair I wailed!’

Surely, God should have seen this coming and placed that child in a lovely home to parents who will raise them better. 

Life isn’t fair when another friend tells me she is pregnant by accident….really? Is there any such thing? I often wondered. Why not me? ‘I would love an accidental pregnancy’ ”Lord”… 

Unfairness seems to be everywhere I looked as a waiting woman. It doesn’t matter the blessings I enjoyed, I looked at them with the eyes of unfairness. I would enjoy it better if I had kids, “ I reasoned”.

It dawned on me that there will never be a fairness in life as long as I chose to view every situation from “my cup is half empty”…

Let me ask these questions of you as I asked myself while going through my waiting period. How many times have you asked, ‘why me for each blessing you received’? For being promoted at work? Or receiving an unexpected gift. 

Surely it’s unfair to find strength to face this situation, while others struggle to keep their marriage and lose their health. Some folks didn’t make it as far as you did.

Is life unfair when We are repeatedly blessed financially? 

Is life unfair when God constantly provides to meet our needs with funds for each treatment and medication? No, we never considered that some people will never be able to afford a treatment for infertility. 

Is life unfair when your spouse or partner showers you with unfailing love even in the midst of infertility? Some marriages couldn’t withstand the pressure of waiting and trying.

Our obsession with comparing ourselves to others has bred a generation of ungrateful beings.

Have you ever stopped to think that your blessings is viewed as unfair by someone else? 

The workers in the story in Matthew 20, viewed their employer’s generosity as unfair… They wanted a decent pay for a good day’s work… However they were surprised to find that even those who started work at the close of day got as much as those who started earlier. 

“O”, how unfair” they cried…how can we who started at six, put in a day’s job, get the same wages as those who started at the end of the day.

They failed to realised that the farmer’s generosity wasn’t based on an hourly rate. It was a daily flat rate regardless of the time worked. They negotiated the Daily rate deal for those who were to come after…

Those who got the same for doing less never complained, only those who did more for the same

No, we never complained when we are at the receiving end of a blessings only when we deemed others more blessed than they should be or more blessed than us…

Who determines who gets what? The wage giver and in his time he will give what he deems fit to everyone who asks.

Did he not promise everyone who ask receives? Not he who asked first, or ask last. 

You may have asked longer than the newly wedded couple down the road, who just welcomed their first baby … they are the labourers who just entered the farm.

Regardless, you will be rewarded with the same blessings, a child…long wanted, who will be welcomed, wrapped in fine clothing, a gift for your labour.

 It won’t matter how long you have waited then… faithfully wait and do away with the comparison.
What is viewed as unfair is someone’s blessings. Let’s learn to celebrate others as we wait expectantly for our blessings.

 

Your partner in Hope

 

Debbie

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Unclog Your Mind

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Blog GraphicIt’s summertime and for me it means time to clear out. Clear cupboards of old canned foods, clear out closet, sort out some old paper cabinets, my email box is not excluded, I go over emails which I haven’t had the time to delete.  Nothing is left out during my summer clearing out.

This got me thinking about our minds and brain which processed so much information daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. We clog them up with both wanted and unwanted stuff. We worry about any and everything.

Infertility makes it worse, we are constantly thinking about our situation, we live and breath it.

Just like our cupboards, closet and cabinets which needs sorting out, so does our minds, we need to daily Purge our minds of the stuff which we have allowed to settle.  We are admonished to be of a clean and pure heart.

James 4:8 tells us to purify our hearts, Matthew 23.25. Jesus had strong words to say about the state of the heart. We take so much care of the exterior but inside is full of rotten bones “strong words” indeed.

So straight from my heart is this encouragement for us to, empty out, the negatives, offences, hurt, disappointments, bitterness and guilt. Release all pain and live space within you for joy, love, peace and happiness.

Holding on to things which should be flush out builds up toxins. Bitterness, guilt and worry are infections, holding on to them infects us.

Dealing with infertility, miscarriage and stillbirth can be the start of having a clogged up mind.

Are you holding on to infections like anger and worry? Empty your mind of these feelings, by going over what’s accumulated during the course of the day.

It may appear to be futile exercise but soon you will notice a change in you, a freedom to live without any of the old feelings.

When you make room, your life will be full of good things, joy indescribable and full of glory.

Begin to clear out today for a clean fresh start.

 

Your Partner in Hope

 

D’Ebi

Avoid Depression 

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free PrintablesA wait that is hopeful is a wait that looks forward expectantly, purposely and joyously.

A wait which strengthens and prepares your heart for what you expect. What use is there in being miserable on the journey? Easy to say unh? Unfortunately misery often accompanied me while I waited for my little bean.

I thought I was strong, always the positive one until I couldn’t get pregnant. I kept it together for a while until the questions started coming. Questions from well meaning friends and foes. The scale finally tilted and I almost caved in to depression.

A subtle, creepy creature sneaks in, often  from a reaction to  an angry outburst, or insensitive slur it comes unannounced taking hold of its prey.

I felt I was losing control of my emotions and started feeling helpless. I sought help and found out that  the following can be a sign of depression:shake it off

Helplessness: research have shown that whenever we are depressed, we usually experience a feeling of helplessness. Our feelings are brought about by our thoughts which produces fruits. Good fruits or bad fruits.

If you constantly think thoughts like “why us/me”? “everyone is having a baby but me”, “will I ever have kids”?, “I give up”. This will be followed by a feeling of helplessness, which in turn leads to misery characterised by constant tears. 

Deep sadness: as he thinks, so he is. Infertility is a cause of misery which leads to deep sadness. An indescribable feeling which also leads to feelings of helplessness.

If you constantly dwell on the negative, joy and peace will elude you. How can you expect to feel great when your heart is heavy from pain. 

Feelings of rejection: as our thoughts leads to deep sadness in time we may begin to feel rejected. This feeling is a worse state of being because we may fall into the trap of interpreting the actions of everyone based on our issues.

I decided to do something about my mental state to avoid going over the edge.

  1.  Talk about my feelings: I started opening up about my feeling and soon found release. You can go for counselling if you do not want to feel vulnerable in front of friends. Your local clinic or health centre may be able to recommend a good counselling clinic. There might be sessions for those struggling to conceive, with programs designed to help deal with  depression.
  2. I decided to be joyful on  purpose: Your mind is the control room of your whole body. It sends signal to your brain, heart and body. Feed it with good and positive things and out of it will come joy. 

  3. Find inspiration around you: be inspired when you hear a good news story, either on the news or from a magazine or a kind act. Train mind to focus on the good concerning your situation. Controlling your thought is the first step in achieving freedom from depression. img_2580

  4. Be anchored to hope: hope is what keeps you going, believing and trying. Hopes is the tread which keeps you tied to the dream. If you don’t keep your hopes up, they will go down and soon you will drift away from your dreams, faith and beliefs. Be a prisoner to hope, build a strong resolved to try and trust again. Be convinced about something good coming your way.

  5. Pray: prayer really helped me let go of the hurt, pain and disappointment I felt from not falling pregnant. In praying we can release the heavy burden, sadness, helplessness and depression to God. In prayer, we become free.

I am not denying the fact that there will be days when tears is all you’ve got, when the pain of trying weighs you down. The pain is real and present. However, deciding to enjoy life and live free from depression may be the push you need to get  through it. 

Remember: the clouds will come, then it gives way to the sun. Every downpour will cease, trouble and pain will be followed by gain, we may understand some and  others we may not.

So whatever season you are in right now,  remember, after a while this too shall pass.

Your Friend and Partner in Hope

 

D’Ebi

 

We are equals

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My blood boils, as the news broke on national TV, how dare she bring that up I fumed at no one in particular. What kind of woman uses the fact that she has children over another woman who can’t? Only a woman who has never suffered the pain of infertility or loss of a child, I concluded.

I was enraged. I don’t know Theresa May personally, but I do understand what it is to suffer from infertility.

This was last month, during the leadership contest between Theresa May and Andrea Leadson, the only news that week was the interview given by Andrea Leadsom to the times newspaper. In a bid to throw the first mud she gave an interview to the times where she claimed she’s a better candidate because she has kids and her opponent did not.

Theresa May had previously openly talked about her inability to have kids. As I watched the story played out on national TV I was shocked at the insensitivity of her opponent.

Infertility should not be an ace to be used in a contest. The same way as one suffering from cancer, diabetes or other serious illness cannot be mocked.you are not inferior

I am reminded of the story of Hannah and her mate long time ago, both of them were married to the same men, unlike her mate, Hannah was unable to bear children. Her rival wife taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children. This went on year after year. Every time she went to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted. Hannah was reduced to tears and had no appetite. Her mate made her felt inadequate at every opportunity she had.

The beauty of it all was that Hannah never uttered a word. She took her pain and her problem to the all-knowing and all faithful one.  Infertility, loss or stillbirth can open the door for others to thrown mud at you. People may secretly glee at your demise, or make sniggering remarks regarding your situation. Do not worry, just take your problems to God.  I remember when I got such remarks I always felt rage inside, but held my tongue.

 

Theresa May did the honourable thing and uttered not a word in her defence. Instead others fought for her. She didn’t have to do anything others took it upon themselves and called for Angela to resign, which she did.

The battle is not yours, the battle is the Lord’s.  He who has brought you this far will see you all the way. Just like Theresa, hold your peace, soon you will be matching your way to victory.

Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth does not make you less qualify than anybody else, neither is anyone better than you because they have kids. We all fight different battles, the test of our faith comes in different ways. As you walk this road, be secured in the knowledge of who you are in Christ. You are a victor in every area of your life, belief it.  

I dedicate this piece to anyone who has tried and failed to see their desires birthed in a child

To see suffering turned to glory

To anyone who wished for a miracle but got a miscarriage

Your pain does not define you,

The snares and jeers will not deter you

Give your dreams wings to fly, soar above every pain and ugliness and see beyond to a peaceful and blessed ending.

 

Your friend in hope.

Debbie