Adoption is a unique and selfless act. I respect and applaud anyone who has made room in their heart and home to parent a child. 

Although I have not adopted a child, i was closely involved during the adoption process of my best friends child. I know it is a hugely rewarding and transforming experiences for both the child and parent. 
I started exploring this option after my Eureka moment read it here: 
In the UK, several agencies are involved in the adoption process, these are social services, the local authority, the courts, and other adoption agencies.
My aim is is to explain the process here in the UK… 
What is adoption? 

Adoption is a way of providing a permanent home and family to a child who can’t be bought up by their birth family. 
Why adopt? 
For me it was not because I was unable to have a child of my own, the moment I realised I can bequeath love to another human and give a child a home and make them feel love, it became irrelevant the method of being a parent.  
If I can love a child of my own, I can equally love the child birthed by another. Being a parent, is all encompassing, it involves showing and giving love, passing on life’s values and raising up kids who will be outstanding, decent citizens, this I believe should not be restricted to birth parents. Of course I arrived at this decision following my experience with infertility, but for me it was all about loving and giving. 
The Adoption process is not a smooth road. having closely observed my friend during the adoption of her child, I realised it can be both exciting and draining at the same time. 

 

The Statistics: shows that each year in England there are 4000 children waiting to be adopted, the majority are older children, as well as sibling groups who need to be placed together or children with disabilities.
The Process: 
The adoption process involved working with different groups of people as mentioned above, whose job is to to ensure that prospective adopters are the best possible parents for the children. 
The Stages: 
Pre-stage one called exploration: involves knowing more about the process. Often includes reading background information and speaking with experts 
 initial checks and registration: involves locating an agency you are comfortable with and commencing the process which involves formal evaluation (might include checking Medical history), taking references and conducting background checks. It is believed that this stage takes 2 months. 
Stage 2. training and assessment 

Usually involves a social worker who is assigned to work with your family. This might involve then learning about your way of life, beliefs, social standing, work pattern etc. At the end, they will assess your strengths and produce a report to the adoption panel. This stage usually takes 4 months 
Stage 3 matching with the child 

This is where the adoption agency works with the local authorities to find the right child for you. Amongst other things, they will discuss the child with you in order to determine weather you are both suited to each other. The final decision is usually made by the adoption panel, who will bring the whole picture together, 
Stage 4 moving in

Once a match has been made, there will be a period of time to get to know the child, this will involve a series of visits and short stays. After which you apply to the court to be the legal parent. 
I learnt from my friend that the process is very invasive and involves detailed and personal questions being asked, job, housing arrangement, extended family is also looked at, sometimes medical histories. This is to ensure that the child is placed in a loving home with people who want and care for him/her. 

I acted as a reference for my friend, I am so glad to see their daughter thriving and turning into a vibrant young woman. 
The wait for your child is always worth it no matter the process, their little girl who came to be with them a few years ago has brought so much joy, fulfillment and a sweetness to the home. 
If you are considering adopting, make inquires in your local area and don’t delay any longer… Soon you will be we on your way to welcoming your child home. 
We would love to Hear your story, send us a private message if it’s so personal to you. Or leave it as a comment. 
Wishing you much success on your fertility journey..
Your partner in hope 
D’Ebi

Advertisements

Exploring Other Options

I will never forget the day I asked myself this question. It was one of those days. I had received another good news, a friend was pregnant again!’ With her 3rd child.

On getting home, it suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to be pregnant so bad, I held my tummy in my hands and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I envisioned how I will look if pregnant.

infertile-pain
I knee in pain

 

Something was not right, I stopped, what could it be? I took another pillow and looked at my reflection again. I felt odd to be standing there, I was not excited by this look at all and quickly walked away. I chided myself for being so hopeful…  

I went to bed and laid down for a while when another picture began to develop in my mind’s eyes, the picture of a child.

I saw this child so pure and peaceful lying on his back, eyes closed with gentle breath. This picture jolted and excited me, I was so excited It was like I already had this child here with me, and I snapped out of my day dreaming and the question sprang to mind.

Which one will it be Debbie, “To be pregnant or to have a baby”?

I have never thought about them separately I have always assume one led to another, which also true in a way.

I suddenly realised that being a mother was more important to me then being pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted a child and all I knew was I had to be pregnant to have a one. I never explored other alternatives. This picture made me want to be a mother by whatever means, via IVF, surrogacy, adoption, whatever.

I started exploring my options after this confrontation with myself.

Let me ask you this question, have you considered your options?

Which would you like to be To be Pregnant or to be a parent?

Do you know there are so many ways your dreams of being a parent can be achieved?

See our next post on Adoption

Your partner in hope..

D’Ebi

Men and Infertility

strength-for-tomorrowI cannot and will never understand how a man deal with infertility.  However, I live with one and had a glimpse into his thoughts and actions during the trying period.

It is general knowledge that men are different from women both physically and emotionally,  they deal with issues differently, infertility included.

My husband was not diagnosed as infertile. But he had to deal with my diagnosis and the wait as much as I had to, we were in it together, trying to get pregnant. My hubby is not one to display his emotions, he’s a very guarded guy and often likes to be in control. I have never seen him cry not even when he lost his brother. Dealing with our inability to become pregnant did not change him. He never broke down and sob like I dis, he was a very strong support for me, my back born and always had an uplifting word no matter the diagnosis.

He was the reason I kept going but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t read his thoughts..

Well during this time I realised men deal with infertility in the following ways:

  1. A woman cries and calls her best friend when she receives a not so good news, a man doesn’t cry, none call his best friend, he goes for a walk.
  2. A woman gets a test result and is on the phone to her partner, a man gets a test results and wait to share the news when he gets home.
  3. A woman is up all night because she is anxious about starting the next course of treatments. A man sleeps soundly as if nothing is happening the next day,
  4. A woman charts each ovulation to know exactly when to copulate. A man walks in and says, you are too intense, give it a rest and walks out.
  5. A woman wants to he held and cuddled and told everything will be alright. A man wants to be left alone, and when asked if everything is alright stares at you and wonders what you are talking about.

  6. A woman sees every baby and coos over them, a man just smile politely and looks on nonchalantly.
  7. A woman’s emotions are on display for all to see, a man’s is always guarded and rarely shows emotions.
  8. A woman’s emotions flips on and off, a man’s is pretty much constant.
  9. A woman talks and talks and shares and shares about  her fears, hopes and dreams. A man listens while the TV is on, nods and says yea, everything will be fine.
  10. Women have no reasoning at all during this time, I didn’t, I couldn’t understand why I cannot carry a child, but my hubby was always philosophical about things.
  11. A man may later share his thoughts if everything walks out right, or may never do.

Men deal with infertility their own way and keep their feelings in check.  they don’t want their partners to see them broken, they want to be strong us when we are weak. I know this because If I had seen my husband broken, I would have lost all hope.

bigger-faithThey are also a big support system, my hubby was and held me up when I was down, he was a huge support, always holding my hand through the difficulty.

He later said he was so angry with God at one point and wondered why God wouldn’t just bless me with a child as I was so faithful in serving him.

I may not have seen him cry but I know that he felt my pain and deals with it in his own way. I don’t know why men don’t talk so much about it as women do. I often wonder if they  do feel socially inferior as women do?

Men do not have to worry about a biological clock as women do, could that be the reason why, there is no urgency about it all?

Do they wonder about their past the way we do?  Crying, asking for forgiveness over and over again over a past mistake?

even though they may not express their emotions in the same way as women, I do know that do feel the same pain as much as we do.

They do feel the pain and fear of not being able to be a father. They may wonder what it will be like to be pregnant as well as what it will be like to hold their own child, to see that first smile? To teach and do them stuff with their child.

Do they fear that they will never feel those exquisite Joys of fatherhood? To see the first steps, to hear them say dada, to kiss them goodnight?  

A man’s a pain may even be deeper than a woman as they wonder if they are any Less of a man for not passing their seed to the next generation.

An encouragement to women, do not be hard on your man if he’s not as open as you are. He deals with his pain differently from you. Encourage him to talk about how he feels, and wait for him to want to do so in his time.

Be no less loving, sweet and encouraging because he seem distance, that’s his way.

As you both walk this road faithfully, my hope for you is that you will both find a positive end to your story.

we would love to hear from a man’s perspective, comment below to share your thoughts

 

Your partner in hope.

D’Ebi

 

Related article: My Wishes