Men and Infertility

strength-for-tomorrowI cannot and will never understand how a man deal with infertility.  However, I live with one and had a glimpse into his thoughts and actions during the trying period.

It is general knowledge that men are different from women both physically and emotionally,  they deal with issues differently, infertility included.

My husband was not diagnosed as infertile. But he had to deal with my diagnosis and the wait as much as I had to, we were in it together, trying to get pregnant. My hubby is not one to display his emotions, he’s a very guarded guy and often likes to be in control. I have never seen him cry not even when he lost his brother. Dealing with our inability to become pregnant did not change him. He never broke down and sob like I dis, he was a very strong support for me, my back born and always had an uplifting word no matter the diagnosis.

He was the reason I kept going but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t read his thoughts..

Well during this time I realised men deal with infertility in the following ways:

  1. A woman cries and calls her best friend when she receives a not so good news, a man doesn’t cry, none call his best friend, he goes for a walk.
  2. A woman gets a test result and is on the phone to her partner, a man gets a test results and wait to share the news when he gets home.
  3. A woman is up all night because she is anxious about starting the next course of treatments. A man sleeps soundly as if nothing is happening the next day,
  4. A woman charts each ovulation to know exactly when to copulate. A man walks in and says, you are too intense, give it a rest and walks out.
  5. A woman wants to he held and cuddled and told everything will be alright. A man wants to be left alone, and when asked if everything is alright stares at you and wonders what you are talking about.

  6. A woman sees every baby and coos over them, a man just smile politely and looks on nonchalantly.
  7. A woman’s emotions are on display for all to see, a man’s is always guarded and rarely shows emotions.
  8. A woman’s emotions flips on and off, a man’s is pretty much constant.
  9. A woman talks and talks and shares and shares about  her fears, hopes and dreams. A man listens while the TV is on, nods and says yea, everything will be fine.
  10. Women have no reasoning at all during this time, I didn’t, I couldn’t understand why I cannot carry a child, but my hubby was always philosophical about things.
  11. A man may later share his thoughts if everything walks out right, or may never do.

Men deal with infertility their own way and keep their feelings in check.  they don’t want their partners to see them broken, they want to be strong us when we are weak. I know this because If I had seen my husband broken, I would have lost all hope.

bigger-faithThey are also a big support system, my hubby was and held me up when I was down, he was a huge support, always holding my hand through the difficulty.

He later said he was so angry with God at one point and wondered why God wouldn’t just bless me with a child as I was so faithful in serving him.

I may not have seen him cry but I know that he felt my pain and deals with it in his own way. I don’t know why men don’t talk so much about it as women do. I often wonder if they  do feel socially inferior as women do?

Men do not have to worry about a biological clock as women do, could that be the reason why, there is no urgency about it all?

Do they wonder about their past the way we do?  Crying, asking for forgiveness over and over again over a past mistake?

even though they may not express their emotions in the same way as women, I do know that do feel the same pain as much as we do.

They do feel the pain and fear of not being able to be a father. They may wonder what it will be like to be pregnant as well as what it will be like to hold their own child, to see that first smile? To teach and do them stuff with their child.

Do they fear that they will never feel those exquisite Joys of fatherhood? To see the first steps, to hear them say dada, to kiss them goodnight?  

A man’s a pain may even be deeper than a woman as they wonder if they are any Less of a man for not passing their seed to the next generation.

An encouragement to women, do not be hard on your man if he’s not as open as you are. He deals with his pain differently from you. Encourage him to talk about how he feels, and wait for him to want to do so in his time.

Be no less loving, sweet and encouraging because he seem distance, that’s his way.

As you both walk this road faithfully, my hope for you is that you will both find a positive end to your story.

we would love to hear from a man’s perspective, comment below to share your thoughts

 

Your partner in hope.

D’Ebi

 

Related article: My Wishes

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2 thoughts on “Men and Infertility

  1. Not all women are like that and not all men are like that – let’s not stereotype. I would never describe my husband as any of those things. He has been very open about his emotions during our infertility struggles, gets very animated around little ones, and is nothing like the closed off person described. On the other hand, I’m the one that needs quiet to let everything settle in after a failed procedure, and I’m not calling up friends to cry about my situation. And I’ve always gotten every result right there with my husband – and to say “women have no reasoning at all” during this? Honestly that’s just plain sexist.

    The men out there who are like you described were socialized to be that way – it’s not a gender issue. Please do not assume that all men are one way and all women are another. It’s neither fair nor accurate, and is insulting to the many of us who are not that way.

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    • Of course not every many is like that people handle their emotions differently. It is not a broad generalisation at all.
      Apologies if it appears that way. I suffered infertility and will never insult Anyone in that way. This so my experience and the experience of some of the people I have worked with.
      My encouragement is that regardless of how we choose to handle our emotion we should be a support to echo other as we are in it together

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