Month: October 2017

A Full Life: October is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss.

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October is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss. 

Usually when we remember those we have lost it is with sadness and a deep sense of wishes. 

I dedicate this poem to you during this month.

I want you to remember all the good things you have become as a result of your story. You have had a full life not an empty one. 

My life is full because of you. I may not yet hold you in my arms but you do exist in my thought, vision and reality. 
I thought I lost you when I bled, it did seem so, but through this valley I found stength and faithto carry on.

My heart is filled with hope bursting with joy at the prospect of what will be. 

My heart is fertile, better, bigger and full with love. Love that I will bequeat on anyone desevering or not. 

Today i remember you with love not sadness. For I know I carry you always in my heart. 
Your partner in waiting 

D’Ebi

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Grieving The Past.

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I was recently trying to catch up with some of the old episodes of the ‘Good Wife’, the American soap based on a working mother, Alisha. One of the episode reminded me of how I use to grief about the past
In one scene Alisha went back in time and grieved for Will “the past love” she never knew Will had for her.
It was very emotional  to see that she really was suffering and heartbroken at what might have been if she knew.

Grieving the past is so real when it comes to infertility and loss. Our grief is made worse when something happens to remind us of what we could have had.

Having suffered multiple miscarriages and failed treatment cycle, my grieve was always front and centre whenever I see a child or am confronted with the news of another pregnancy. I am reminded of what may never be.

My struggle with the past was real. I always  felt heartbroken to think I may not experience the love of my child.

Allowing the past to dictate our present or future can leave us trapped in misery, unable to move forward to the possibility of future successes. See related post on Coping with Miscarriage and Loss

I hated being miserable and also knew that a healthy mind is necessary if I was to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother. So it was necessary to let go of past pains. I determined to be resolute, to wilful put the past behind. This decision did not come easily, but I was able to immerse myself in other interests which helped me leg go of the past pains .

Aside from being Mindful, I also had to

  1. Acknowledge that it is normal to hurt and to remember what I have suffered: If this pieces describes you, do not feel guilty about remembering your pain, it is a natural human emotions. Sometimes we berate ourselves for allowing the past to invade our minds. Free yourself from the guilt of looking back and acknowledge that it is a normal thing to do.
  2. Share Your Pain: One of the areas ‘Waiters’ fall short of  is sharing their pain. For me this was certainly the case.” Who will understand”? I often mused. Carrying the burden alone makes it harder to get rid of. There is an old saying ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’. Often we find release when we share our worries. There is a purpose in your pain. Find someone you can talk to, your partner, a caring friend, a Facebook group or other local support group. Do not suffer alone. Sharing helps us cope with the burden and for me it made the burden lighter.
  3. Seek Help. If your past pain has left you crippled and afraid to try again. Seek help. Your local health practitioner will point you in the right direction. Get some counselling to help you deal with the pain.
  4. Try, try and try again. The best way to get over a disappointment is to try again if you are able to. All hope is not lost, positive virtualization will help you focus on a different image of yourself. 
  5. Set Your Mind To Be Happy. Personally I don’t like being sad. I had to wilfully decide to stop grieving NO Matter what. Set your mind and determine to put the past behind.

Have you suffered lost? Maybe you had an abortion as a teenager and now you blame that act for your current reality. Maybe you let go of a good guy or girl for your current partner and now you feel guilty for causing pain.

Your situation is no fault of yours. Having shared your burden, sought help and acknowledge your grief. You maybe in a better place to try again knowing that your story is still unravelling.

The disappointments of the past can be a springboard to the victories of the future. Set your mind free from what could have been and look forward to what is possible if you try.

Abound in hope as you wait and for your own little burden of joy.

Related Post: The Pain of Miscarriage,Past Pains. ,Keeping Hope Alive

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Surrogacy

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In my previous post I talked about the options available to becoming a parent. One of those options is surrogacy.

Lately surrogacy has been all over the news. 
A few weeks ago the news broke that Kim Kadasian West is expecting her 3rd child via a surrogate.  Also expecting is Net-a-Porter founder Dame Natalie Massenet who at 52 has recently welcomed another child, via a surrogate. It was also reported that popular Cristiano Ronaldo had twins via surrogate.

Difficulty in conceiving can happen to anyone. Regardless of race or wealth. Infertility is a sickness and is no respecter of anyone. 

Surrogacy is  an option considered by couples for various reasons, chief amongst which is the inability for the woman to fall pregnant., repeated miscarriages,

What’s surrogacy?

Surrogacy is when another woman carries or gives birth to a child for the couple who wants to have children. However, the process differs from countries to countries.

In the U.K. Advertising and payment for a surrogate is not allowed. It is illegal to do so, however it is expected that the parents cover reasonable expenses of the surrogate.

It costs up to £2,000 to £20,000 to cover expenses, which is likely to be

lost of earnings, maternity clothes, travel costs for attending clinics and appointment, childcare cost if you already have children while you are away on appointments. Any counselling taken during pregnancy.

There are Two types of surrogacy. 

Traditional surrogacy is where the biological mother uses her own egg which is inseminated with the father’s sperm. This can be done either at home, using a donor insemination kit, or in a clinic.
Gestational surrogacy: happens when the surrogate carries a baby on behalf of the couple using the woman’s egg, fertilised by the husband’s sperm. In this case the baby is not genetically related to the surrogate.
In both cases the egg from the intended mother or donor is fertilised through IVF.

In America surrogacy can be paid for. It is very popular in many states. They have many large agencies matching up couples who want a surrogates. The cost ranges from £18,000 to £250,000.

What is required? 

Most couples wanting a surrogate naturally wants to make sure that the surrogate is of good health, and have a sound mind. Some couples spend a few good months getting to know the surrogate and become friends before making their decision. This way they get to know and bond with them.

Some intended parents have certain requirements like a certain age group. They may prefer someone who’s not too far way for easy of access and to minimise travel cost. Some parents insist on lifestyle changes for the surrogate. This will be covered in the agreement.

They may also consider marital status . As the risk of first pregnancy for first pregnancy is higher, some surrogacy prefer women with previous pregnancies, of at least one child.

Hand over

Surrogates never see the baby they carry as theirs. It is purely a legal arrangement. Their involvement is strictly to help another couple out. The terms are made clear in a contract which is signed by both parties the agreement states whose child it is.

The baby is the surrogates in the eyes of the law. When the baby is born, a parental order needs to be signed at a court to give or transfer parentage to the parents until then The child belongs to whoever carries and bore the child. 

Questions: Is it for Me? 

You may be wondering if surrogacy is for you. Consider your situation and how much you want child.

Surrogacy may be appropriate if you have a medical condition that makes it impossible or dangerous to get pregnant and to give birth.
It may also be an option for you if you have suffered:
absence or malformation of the womb, recurrent pregnancy loss, repeated in vitro fertilisation (IVF) implantation failures.

In my previous post I talked about the options available to becoming a parent.

Of those options is surrogacy, Lately surrogacy has been all over the news.
Last week the news broke that Kim Kadasian West is expecting her 3rd child.

 

They may also consider marital status and previous birth history
As the risk of first pregnancy for first pregnancy is higher some surrogacy prefer women, with previous pregnancies, of at least one child.

Hand over 

Some parents insist on lifestyle changes for the surrogate. This will be covered in the agreement.

Surrogates never see the baby they carry as theirs. It is purely a legal arrangement. Their involvement is strictly to help another couple out. And the terms are made clear in a contract which is signed by both parties. However the baby is the surrogates in the eyes of the law.

A parental order needs to be signed at a court to give or transfer parentage to the parents until then The child belongs to whoever carries and bore the child.
Is it for Me?

You may be wondering if surrogacy is for you. Consider your situation and how much you want child. 

Surrogacy may be appropriate if you have a medical condition that makes it impossible or dangerous to get pregnant and to give birth. It may be an option for you if you have suffered:
Absence or malformation of the womb, recurrent pregnancy loss, repeated in vitro fertilisation (IVF) implantation failures.

My encouragement to you is to explore this and other options available, your little cuddles of joy may just be the end result if you just explore.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

 

Sources: HFEA, Surrogacy UK, National Health Service.