Don’t Quit

For those waiting for anything, giving up is always an option.

The thought of quitting is ever present especially when the battle is fierce.

Why should I carry on I use to ask myself? I Have a perfectly good Ife with the best man ever. Together we can travel the world and live as “DINKs”. (Double Income No Kids).

These thoughts where constantly present especially after a hard fought battle.

I came across this poem while trying and kept it in my diary.

I was encouraged by it to stay the course and I hope it encourages you too.

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will. When The Road you’re trudging seems all uphill

When the funds are low and the debts are high. And you want to smoke but you have to sign.Trust in the Lord and don’t quit.

Life is strange with its twist and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learns. And many a person turns about.

When he might have worn had he stuck it out.

Don’t give up. Though the pace seems slow. You may succeed with another blow.

Often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor’s cup. And he learned too late when the night came down. How close he was to the golden crown.

Remember this truth when you start to doubt; Success is failure turned inside out;

Stick to the fight when you are harder hit. It’s when things seems worse that you mustn’t quit.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

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A Full Life: October is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss.

October is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss. 

Usually when we remember those we have lost it is with sadness and a deep sense of wishes. 

I dedicate this poem to you during this month.

I want you to remember all the good things you have become as a result of your story. You have had a full life not an empty one. 

My life is full because of you. I may not yet hold you in my arms but you do exist in my thought, vision and reality. 
I thought I lost you when I bled, it did seem so, but through this valley I found stength and faithto carry on.

My heart is filled with hope bursting with joy at the prospect of what will be. 

My heart is fertile, better, bigger and full with love. Love that I will bequeat on anyone desevering or not. 

Today i remember you with love not sadness. For I know I carry you always in my heart. 
Your partner in waiting 

D’Ebi

Grieving The Past.

I was recently trying to catch up with some of the old episodes of the Good Wife’, the American soap based on a working mother, Alisha. One of the episode reminded me of how I use to grief about the past
In one scene Alisha went back in time and grieved for Will “the past love” she never knew Will had for her.
It was very emotional  to see that she really was suffering and heartbroken at what might have been if she knew.

Grieving the past is so real when it comes to infertility and loss. Our grief is made worse when something happens to remind us of what we could have had.

Having suffered multiple miscarriages and failed treatment cycle, my grieve was always front and centre whenever I see a child or am confronted with the news of another pregnancy. I am reminded of what may never be.

My struggle with the past was real. I always  felt heartbroken to think I may not experience the love of my child.

Allowing the past to dictate our present or future can leave us trapped in misery, unable to move forward to the possibility of future successes. See related post on Coping with Miscarriage and Loss

I hated being miserable and also knew that a healthy mind is necessary if I was to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother. So it was necessary to let go of past pains. I determined to be resolute, to wilful put the past behind. This decision did not come easily, but I was able to immerse myself in other interests which helped me leg go of the past pains .

Aside from being Mindful, I also had to

  1. Acknowledge that it is normal to hurt and to remember what I have suffered: If this pieces describes you, do not feel guilty about remembering your pain, it is a natural human emotions. Sometimes we berate ourselves for allowing the past to invade our minds. Free yourself from the guilt of looking back and acknowledge that it is a normal thing to do.
  2. Share Your Pain: One of the areas ‘Waiters’ fall short of  is sharing their pain. For me this was certainly the case.” Who will understand”? I often mused. Carrying the burden alone makes it harder to get rid of. There is an old saying ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’. Often we find release when we share our worries. There is a purpose in your pain. Find someone you can talk to, your partner, a caring friend, a Facebook group or other local support group. Do not suffer alone. Sharing helps us cope with the burden and for me it made the burden lighter.
  3. Seek Help. If your past pain has left you crippled and afraid to try again. Seek help. Your local health practitioner will point you in the right direction. Get some counselling to help you deal with the pain.
  4. Try, try and try again. The best way to get over a disappointment is to try again if you are able to. All hope is not lost, positive virtualization will help you focus on a different image of yourself. 
  5. Set Your Mind To Be Happy. Personally I don’t like being sad. I had to wilfully decide to stop grieving NO Matter what. Set your mind and determine to put the past behind.

Have you suffered lost? Maybe you had an abortion as a teenager and now you blame that act for your current reality. Maybe you let go of a good guy or girl for your current partner and now you feel guilty for causing pain.

Your situation is no fault of yours. Having shared your burden, sought help and acknowledge your grief. You maybe in a better place to try again knowing that your story is still unravelling.

The disappointments of the past can be a springboard to the victories of the future. Set your mind free from what could have been and look forward to what is possible if you try.

Abound in hope as you wait and for your own little burden of joy.

Related Post: The Pain of Miscarriage,Past Pains. ,Keeping Hope Alive

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Surrogacy

In my previous post I talked about the options available to becoming a parent. One of those options is surrogacy.

Lately surrogacy has been all over the news. 
A few weeks ago the news broke that Kim Kadasian West is expecting her 3rd child via a surrogate.  Also expecting is Net-a-Porter founder Dame Natalie Massenet who at 52 has recently welcomed another child, via a surrogate. It was also reported that popular Cristiano Ronaldo had twins via surrogate.

Difficulty in conceiving can happen to anyone. Regardless of race or wealth. Infertility is a sickness and is no respecter of anyone. 

Surrogacy is  an option considered by couples for various reasons, chief amongst which is the inability for the woman to fall pregnant., repeated miscarriages,

What’s surrogacy?

Surrogacy is when another woman carries or gives birth to a child for the couple who wants to have children. However, the process differs from countries to countries.

In the U.K. Advertising and payment for a surrogate is not allowed. It is illegal to do so, however it is expected that the parents cover reasonable expenses of the surrogate.

It costs up to £2,000 to £20,000 to cover expenses, which is likely to be

lost of earnings, maternity clothes, travel costs for attending clinics and appointment, childcare cost if you already have children while you are away on appointments. Any counselling taken during pregnancy.

There are Two types of surrogacy. 

Traditional surrogacy is where the biological mother uses her own egg which is inseminated with the father’s sperm. This can be done either at home, using a donor insemination kit, or in a clinic.
Gestational surrogacy: happens when the surrogate carries a baby on behalf of the couple using the woman’s egg, fertilised by the husband’s sperm. In this case the baby is not genetically related to the surrogate.
In both cases the egg from the intended mother or donor is fertilised through IVF.

In America surrogacy can be paid for. It is very popular in many states. They have many large agencies matching up couples who want a surrogates. The cost ranges from £18,000 to £250,000.

What is required? 

Most couples wanting a surrogate naturally wants to make sure that the surrogate is of good health, and have a sound mind. Some couples spend a few good months getting to know the surrogate and become friends before making their decision. This way they get to know and bond with them.

Some intended parents have certain requirements like a certain age group. They may prefer someone who’s not too far way for easy of access and to minimise travel cost. Some parents insist on lifestyle changes for the surrogate. This will be covered in the agreement.

They may also consider marital status . As the risk of first pregnancy for first pregnancy is higher, some surrogacy prefer women with previous pregnancies, of at least one child.

Hand over

Surrogates never see the baby they carry as theirs. It is purely a legal arrangement. Their involvement is strictly to help another couple out. The terms are made clear in a contract which is signed by both parties the agreement states whose child it is.

The baby is the surrogates in the eyes of the law. When the baby is born, a parental order needs to be signed at a court to give or transfer parentage to the parents until then The child belongs to whoever carries and bore the child. 

Questions: Is it for Me? 

You may be wondering if surrogacy is for you. Consider your situation and how much you want child.

Surrogacy may be appropriate if you have a medical condition that makes it impossible or dangerous to get pregnant and to give birth.
It may also be an option for you if you have suffered:
absence or malformation of the womb, recurrent pregnancy loss, repeated in vitro fertilisation (IVF) implantation failures.

In my previous post I talked about the options available to becoming a parent.

Of those options is surrogacy, Lately surrogacy has been all over the news.
Last week the news broke that Kim Kadasian West is expecting her 3rd child.

 

They may also consider marital status and previous birth history
As the risk of first pregnancy for first pregnancy is higher some surrogacy prefer women, with previous pregnancies, of at least one child.

Hand over 

Some parents insist on lifestyle changes for the surrogate. This will be covered in the agreement.

Surrogates never see the baby they carry as theirs. It is purely a legal arrangement. Their involvement is strictly to help another couple out. And the terms are made clear in a contract which is signed by both parties. However the baby is the surrogates in the eyes of the law.

A parental order needs to be signed at a court to give or transfer parentage to the parents until then The child belongs to whoever carries and bore the child.
Is it for Me?

You may be wondering if surrogacy is for you. Consider your situation and how much you want child. 

Surrogacy may be appropriate if you have a medical condition that makes it impossible or dangerous to get pregnant and to give birth. It may be an option for you if you have suffered:
Absence or malformation of the womb, recurrent pregnancy loss, repeated in vitro fertilisation (IVF) implantation failures.

My encouragement to you is to explore this and other options available, your little cuddles of joy may just be the end result if you just explore.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

 

Sources: HFEA, Surrogacy UK, National Health Service.

A support Line.

I am fortunate to help out in a children’s class every Sunday and love to watch the children play.  I am always amaze at how sweet their mind is, how pure and loving.
Last unsunday I watched as two sisters  walked together holding hands. 

The little sister is always shy and the big sister never leaves her behind whenever there is a task to be done. She walks with her sister. Never alone. 
My struggle with infertility was at times lonely, I didn’t know who to trust, I was afraid to be open and leave myself to being judged by those who have no understanding of our issues. 

I struggled with insensitive comments and walked alone often without support. 

I wanted a friend, someone to get it without questions or judgements. 

I realised earlier on during my journey that life isn’t that simple. Well meaning friends are scarce. I later found some wonderful friends who became a support line.

This got me thinking, Who’s our support line? Who can we  run to when seemingly good friends are not what they appear to be 

Who’s your support when you’ve just had another failed IVF, when you sit alone at the doctors surgery unsure what to do or who to call? 

Who’s your support line when tears is all you have, when you feel like you cannot face another monthly flow and fear you may never become a parent.
Who’s your support line when after learning you are pregnant, suffer the loss of your precious, precious baby, when the news hits you like a tornado. 
I want to encourage you to be someone’s support even in the midst of what you are going through. We can be each other’s support line, volunteer to sit and listen. In helping others we find peace and fulfilment. 
I know your pain, I promise not to be judgemental but to join you and hold your hands. This is the reason for faithful wait. A support hub. 
Do you know anyone suffering from infertility, miscarriages or stillbirth. 

Be a listening ear or a quiet voice of hope, be the shoulder to lean on.

Be the the hand they can hold on to until they cross the finish line. 

Stop with questions of when and why, and talk of how. 
Be the support line to them because together we can make the Pain bearable and the journey less tedious.

Join a facebook group, encourage and uplift someone with your story. Let us be a shoulder someone can lean on. 
Most of all, lean on Jesus he makes everything beautiful in its time. 
Lean on me when you’re not strong 

I help you carry on, 

We all need somebody to lean on. 

Be that someone .
Your friend in Hope. 

Don’t Settle 

I choose this title because the easiest thing in the world is to stop trying. 

Trying brings pain and in that moment when one is trying, we are tempted to stay where we are and settle. 
There was a time tried unsuccessfully to get another job.

 I stopped trying for a while and lost track of where I was. I was encouraged to start again and was shocked at how far back I have to go to start over.

What happens when we settle: 

I have come to realise that settling for less and giving up takes us back a few steps when if we do decide to start again. 

So my encouragement to you today is “ don’t settle”.

Don’t settle for a present when you know your future is more than what you have right now. 

Don’t settle for a life without children when you know you can be a parent. 

Why should you quit? Yes you have tried and failed several times, believe, find a way to keep going if you so wish. 
But never settle for a lesser future when you know you can have more. 
The pain of settling maybe worse than your current situation. This is because settling may take the pressure off temporarily but may not bring you joy because unless it is what you want deep within, joy will elude you. As you may never know what is on the other side if you had kept trying. 



You may pause while trying to figure things out, and seek guidance for the next step, but don’t stop when difficulty or pain comes knocking. 

You can begin where you are right now to start over if you have settled and given up. Don’t settle but rather set your goals and set yourself up for the next phase of your life…. 

Go back, what new test can you taken? 

What new treatment can you afford? 

What have you over looked? 

And even after you have done all you can, 
Don’t settle.  

Your friend and faithful partner
D’Ebi 

Past Pains. 

Today I met a beautiful friend of mine with 3 special people in tow. Over coffee we reminisce our past. The pains of waiting. 

The tears we shared over unwanted medical results and the fears we entertained on the possibility of never being a mum.

The sadness at being judged for not having kids, the trepidations we felt while waiting at the Dr’s office and the intense pain from yet another failed cycle.  

The endless questions of when will it be?

Today we drank coffee while our kids played with play doh. Together we watched them played snakes and ladders and them boss each other around.  

Today we smiled, laughed and scolded those little monkeys, but most of all today we looked back with gratitude. We counted our blessings and said a prayer for those still waiting for their miracle. 

Today was the yesterday we hoped and prayed for. 

Nothing is special about us, except we choose to hope and continue in the faces of negative results and reports.

We never gave up hope. 

When against all odds we were told our wombs cannot carry a child because it was badly scared, we hoped.

When we were told our situation was unexplained, we hoped.

When we were told no egg was viable from yet another IVF treatment we just, we hoped.

When friends after friends had babies and we go away from every christening crying, because we felt like failures, we hoped.

Today our hope is a reality. Our desires, living, talking, breathing and laughing. 

Today I encourage you to hold on, draw strength from within and keep hope alive. 

I can only ask that you look at my story and believe that perhaps your you desires too will become real. 

Keeping Hope Alive

I use to wonder how to keep my hope and faith alive during my days as a woman in waiting. Whenever I thought I was up there in the hope department, something happens to derail that hope:
The more I felt like I was hopeful the further away from my dreams I felt.

How do I keep hope alive when I had just lost another pregnancy
How do I keep hope alive when I have just had another failed IVF cycle?
How do I keep hope alive when the news is awash with stories of the dangers of having babies beyond 40s.

I couldn’t.
My hope and faith faded as red stains fades from a dress.

I realise that keeping hope alive have nothing to do with what was happening to me. It was how I choose to see and react to what going on.

Here are 5 things I did to keep my hopes of becoming a mum alive.

I looked for stories that seem impossible. I was and still enthralled by stories which seem like all hope of a success was lost, but against all odds the impossible becomes possible. Most importantly I look for stories similar to mine. Failed attempt to become pregnant, lost pregnancy, prolong wait finally yielding results. These all combined kept me hopping.
I embarked on a mission to find a reason for my predicament: I was not satisfied with unexplained infertility. I knew something was wrong. There must be a reason why I was unable to fall pregnant. My quest to discover the reason for my unexplained infertility kept me hoping that perhaps when the is reason found, a cure will commence and I will become pregnant.Exploring Treatment Options. 

I decided to trust the maker of the universe to do what is best and right for us. Ok, God I use to say. If it must be, it’s up to you. I have done my bit. Now it’s over to you. Giving him control of the situation and knowing that I have done and doing all within my power to conceive kept my hope alive.

I was incredibly grateful for what I have. I was full of gratitude for my home, a loving husband and a stable marriage. Knowing that many couple did not survive trying for a baby kept me going. Being in a constant state of gratitude even when I have just had a miscarriage kept my hope alive.

I looked for Simple things to be grateful for, like the fact had i am becoming better and more patient person. Gratitude that another friend has had a baby and gratitude for a strong support network, kept me hopeful..

I had fun. I found an excuse to always have fun. Luckily for me I had a group of friends in similar situation. Together we prayed, encouraged each other and travelled together. We shared our dreams of one day becoming a mum and we supported those weak in faith. This bond kept our hopes alive. And when one by one we all fell pregnant those left behind were even more hopeful. Today I can truly say my friendships helped kept my hope alive
I urge you today, do not let the wait snuff out hope from within you. Cast your gaze on something bigger than your pain. Build a tent of gratitude and leave your desires in the hands of him who can bring them to pass and take flight on the wings of hope. Let it carry you safely till you reach the shores of your dreams.

Keep Hope Alive:

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Related reading:

 

Hope Against Hope, Resurrected Hope , The “age” thing, Top Rated IVF Clinics in UK , Exploring Other Options, Exploring Treatment Options. 

Hope Against Hope

How do you hope when you are faced with a set back? Life is really unfair I thought to myself. Not only was I told not to fall pregnant due to the drugs I was on?

Years later, having been declared in remission and taken off all medications 

I could not fall pregnant…

At the time there was no silver lining in my cloud. The future without kids looked bleak. 
I did not hope. I was void of all emotions, how can I trust God, where is the faith to believe and keep trying? 

Immediately after disappointment, we usually feel negative emotions. Like

Anger, fear and lack of faith. Uncertainty about the future tears are also constant during such time.

It may take a few good months, weeks or months for us to come to terms with our predicaments but that’s when healing truly begins. 
Healing did begin for me. I dreamt again

Believe again and hope again. 

Now I rejoice in having my precious kids, 

Despite the diagnosis 

I hoped against hope. 
So I encourage you today to stand firm, and sure.

Glimpse your set time ahead. 

Though faith may weaver a your heart quavers from fear

Lift your gaze higher to the promise that will one day be real

Grasp firmly to your desires 

For in hoping against hope, 

Will you triumph over all. 
Your partner in hope
D’Ebi