The Over 50 Debate

I am always excited whenever I hear about couples finding joy in having their dreams fulfilled in the birth of a baby. Especially having gone through hoops and loops in the form of several IVFs, miscarriages and to finally triumph and hold one’s child, is joy indescribable. .

The internet went into overdrive last week when Brigitte Nielsen the ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone posted a picture of her pregnancy at 54.

This rekindled the conversation about having a baby over a certain age. And once again a woman’s decision is questioned her whole life is being judged by this singular act, nothing else.

I don’t know anything about her, but I was happy to read this news because there is something about a woman who decides to birth again. I am a firm believer in going for your dreams against all odds, against the norm no matter what.

I know first hand what it is like to want a child so bad your belly ache, you live, breath and dream of that one desire. Nothing can replace it, no amount of fame and fortune can quench the hunger or desire to hold one’s child. Hope Against Hope

It’s about Choices:

Recently, Ireland vote to change the abortion laws to give women a choice. So it’s all about one’s choice knowing the risk in becoming pregnant late in life.

Why should a woman in her 50s give up a life of peace and quiet for a life of nappies, sleeplessness, school runs?

Unless they know that at the end of it all they may find happiness. They put everything on the line for the 1% chance of being a parent.

Statistics:

According to recent Statistics, there are more women having babies over 40s and well into their 50s. I have previously wrote about it in A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?

There is an increase in children born to women over this age group than at any other time in history. Here are a few reasons why this is so:

  • Advancement in technologies, and in being able to treat women in this age group, means more couples are trying again, daring to hope again and take a shot at being happy.
  • Also, women who have previously given up all hope of having children can believe again due to the increase rates of egg donations which is helping to raise the odds that women in their fifties and even sixties can have successful pregnancies.
  • Higher life is also another reason couples are willing to take the risk. As people live longer, they are not longer afraid that they will die and live their children orphans.

According to the medical director and chief Scientist at the Center for Human Reproduction, Dr. Norbert Gleicher who specializes in treatments of last resort for women who are either older or have had complications.

A healthy woman will have a completely normal pregnancy, and with careful screening can help  obstetrics prepare for any pregnancy complications by detecting the risks and problems before pregnancy.

Children are joy givers, they bring happiness.  They fill our days with love, laughter and Joy. In my worst moments whenever my kids walk in nothing else matters, it doesn’t matter how bad the issue is, they always make me feel better. They help put things in perspective it. Who wouldn’t want that?  Why should age determine whether one should be happy?

Of course there is risk in becoming pregnant well into our 50s, risk for both baby and mother, but we live in hope.

Hope that we will come through.

How that our babies will be fine.

Hope that perhaps we will become part of the few who to make it through to the other side.

Hope of joy at the end of our trials.

We can only try if the desire persist and hope lingers.Medicine can not explain this desire, nothing can take one’s hope away simply because we are judged as too old.

A woman should be the judge of that. Having sort medical advise and are aware of the risk involved if she and her partner still wants to go for it, it is their call, their choice, their Joy.

I pray that you find your rainbow and your desires for a child becomes a reality.

Your Partner In Hope

D’Ebi

Source: New scientist, Human fertilisation and embryology society,NHS direct.

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Infertility: A Male and Female Issue.

The first sign that something is wrong soon after a couple decides to have a baby, is when the woman fails to fall pregnant after a few months of trying. Some couples remain hopeful and think nothing about infertility.

I had never thought of the word infertility before I was faced with it. Our inability to become pregnant led to the first of many consultations and test.

The test were performed on both of us and we felt confident about our reproductive abilities. I guess no one wants to think their body is in capable of performing the role it was intended to.

We were relieved to know that neither of us had any reason to stop us from getting pregnant. The results of our test was no comfort when we to fall pregnant.

The thought that I am the reason for our demise never left me and as I spoke to other women facing similar trials I came to learn that women view themselves as the main Cause.

Many ethnicities view infertility as a woman’s sole responsibility and so many marriages have broken down from interference by the man’s family. “They just can’t understand why their son remains married to a infertile woman”.

I witness first hand as a friend struggled to convince her husband to undergo some test to determine the cause of their problems.

In the end, their marriage broke up because he strongly refused to undergo any form of test, claiming he had fathered a child before, so he can’t possibly be impotent.

There lies the perception, that infertility is a female issue and this stems from age old misconceptions that it is a woman’s duty to produce an heir for her husband/Partner. Therefore she’s ultimately to blame for failing to be pregnant.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in its 2014-2016 report finds that amongst other issues, male infertility is the most common reason why British couples seek IVF treatment.

No man wants to believe they are “shooting blank”. And it is a common male locker room banter to hear men claiming they might have secretly fathered a child unknown to him.

On the country, most women I know blame themselves even before any test results. Often excusing their partners as innocent party to this unfortunate event thrust upon them.

Women are their most fierce critics, blaming themselves for putting their career first, being too choosy, as a result their biologists clocked has timed out.

New research such as those conducted by

Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School in Boston shows that sperm quality markedly decline with age. This make it harder for men to sire children well into old age as well as the possibilities of birth defect if they father kids later in life.

The solution:

I personally feel the solution or part of the way forward is for men to acknowledge that there is a possibility they might have the problem and be willing to undergo some test.

Men should not assume that because they fathered a child before, that rules them out from having any infertility problems in the future.

Women should also not automatically assume the blame without a clear diagnoses, even then the man should also get tested. They should stop denigrating and being self critical.

Given the heartbreak, invasion of one’s life and mental upheaval one faces, it is important for couples to be supportive of each other regardless of who has the issue. Infertility should not be seen as an arena dedicated solely to women, but rather a shared burden.

Society has a duty to educate everyone that It can be both a male and female issue. And dispel this wrong thinking when it comes to infertility.

Related Post:

A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?Infertility: A lonely JourneyOthers View Point

To Adopt or Not.

I previously wrote about the various options towards becoming a parent. One of such option is adoption.

Adoption brings as much joy to a couple as if they had conceived the child themselves, in adoption a parent opens up their heart to receive another human. For whatever reason the child has become separated from their birth parents and need a loving home to be nurtured.

In Adoption, a child is conceived in the hearts, not the womb.

I personally think that adoption is the most loving, selfless and beautiful act anyone can perform.

I am reminded of the story of Joseph “the father” of Jesus. As he secretly planned to do away with Mary to avoid the shame brought about by her pregnancy.

The angel of God appeared to him and commanded him to raise Jesus as his own. He was told to adopt the son of God.

Having been told by an angel I am sure he still had some questions but he was assured by the fact that, God has a plan in his story.

As you consider your options, I pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal his plans for you and direct your steps to the best options toward fulfilling your dreams.

Some couples have disagreed on adoption as an option and this has led to the break down of their marriages.

If you are one of such people, my heart goes out to you. I pray that you will soon find someone who will share the same vision as you. If you desire to go it alone…May your strength be multiplied.

As you reflect on the Christmas story, remember Jesus was adopted by Joseph.

Whatever option you take towards becoming a parent may it bring you be peace and joy.

Your Partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

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A Full Life: October is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss.

October is dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss. 

Usually when we remember those we have lost it is with sadness and a deep sense of wishes. 

I dedicate this poem to you during this month.

I want you to remember all the good things you have become as a result of your story. You have had a full life not an empty one. 

My life is full because of you. I may not yet hold you in my arms but you do exist in my thought, vision and reality. 
I thought I lost you when I bled, it did seem so, but through this valley I found stength and faithto carry on.

My heart is filled with hope bursting with joy at the prospect of what will be. 

My heart is fertile, better, bigger and full with love. Love that I will bequeat on anyone desevering or not. 

Today i remember you with love not sadness. For I know I carry you always in my heart. 
Your partner in waiting 

D’Ebi