Easter and Infertility.

The Lonely Journey of Infertility

When I think of the journey of  Jesus to the cross I realised how lonely it must have been for him.

The process leading to the Cross was one of shame.

He felt abandoned by His father,

He felt  alone as His most trusted friends ran for their lives.

No one wanted to be associated with Him for fear of being killed.

In that moment, when he faced death and breath His last, he asked His father why he was abandoned.

The more I speak to those who have walked or currently on this journey of waiting, the more it becomes apparent how lonely it can get. The notion that there is a community out there seem remote.

Infertility is still a lonely journey.

No one to talk to, fear of being stigmatised, the feeling of shame causes us to bottle it up than open up to anyone.

I am particularly drawn to the two women who went to anoint his body, and wondered who will rolled the stone away. There was an obstacle at the entrance of the tomb, A Stone.

Who will roll away the stone?

The stone is big, two women alone can’t rolled it a way. It will take more than 2 women to roll it away. Who will roll away the stone?

You may be asking yourself right now:

Who will take away this pain of trying?

How will this end?

Will I ever have a child?

But we know how the story ends, although it seemed liked death had won, at the time he was nailed to the cross and put in the tomb.

When he got up on Easter Sunday, truly, God’s purpose for the suffering he endured was unfolded.

Be encouraged by the resurrection of our Lord and Saviour, you may have a stone like problem right now.

Just as the miracle of resurrection happened all those years ago, you will experience a miracle of birth, you too will rise up from the ashes of infertility to new life.

Trust in him, hope in Him, call on Him and you will have help.

A stone like problem? Give it to Jesus.

Happy Easter

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Related reading

https://faithfulwait.com/2017/12/05/infertility-a-lonely-journey/

https://faithfulwait.com/2017/12/03/comfort-joy-in-the-mist-of-infertility/

https://faithfulwait.com/2017/07/25/keeping-hope-alive/

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I Remember

Today I remember a time when I celebrated birthdays without a child.

When no one made a card for me with scrap papers, scribbled writings and drawings that bears no resemblance to me..

When all I had was a kind and loving husband who will give me the world just to dull the pain of childlessness.

Today, I call to mind those days and it is hard to think back.

I had to pull up pictures of my days without kids. When each birthday I said a little prayer

“Lord let this be the year”..

Today I smile because this day this very moment. I am on top of the world, I am blessed with two beautiful girls.

Today, I heard a sound in my downstairs study and went to investigate

As I opened the door, my six year old screamed

“Mummy you can’t come in”. She was serious, so I retreated.

I knew what she was doing, I caught a glimpse of her making a birthday card for me.

A few minutes later big sister joined her and she called out “mummy whatever you do, DO NOT COME INTO THE STUDY”!

Ok I replied.

I observed as they tiptoed around the house to get items for their cards.

It warmed my heart.

My two little blessings with love in their heart making a birthday card for me.

There is no greater joy.

So today I celebrate with a heart filled with joy and gratitude for this wonderful blessing.

Today I pray for you, that you will come to know the joy of motherhood, that soon the ache you feel will be replaced by pangs of labour.

Your tears will be of joy and unspeakable blessings on beholding your child.

So do not give up.

Do not despair

Do not fear.

This is a journey that will end with rainbows in the skies.

Look up child, soon your blessings will make this wait worth it.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Post to Note

https://faithfulwait.com/2019/03/26/trust-and-joy-in-the-mist-of-pain/

https://faithfulwait.com/2019/03/30/i-see-you/

https://faithfulwait.com/2019/02/24/strengthened-not-faulty/

I See You

I may not have you in my arms

But I carry you in my heart

With each passing day

I see the image of you

Wrapped in beautiful cloth.

A sweet smile etched on your faces

I see you walking

I see you running

I see us do all the things mother and child do

Though others may not see what I see

Of this I am sure

I see the future with you in it.

I see you grow and become a fine human

And I see the day I will look back on the past and be thankful

I waited for you.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi


Related pieces

https://faithfulwait.com/2019/03/10/identity/

https://faithfulwait.com/2019/03/26/trust-and-joy-in-the-mist-of-pain/

Trust and Joy in the mist of pain

Mother’s Day and infertility

Celebration of mother is approaching in the UK. On the 31 March we will celebrate and acknowledge mothers

The airwaves, Churches, schools will put up a show to celebrate mothers. It is fitting to do this.

This is a particularly difficult time for anyone who’s trying to conceive.

As you watch others being celebrated a part of you always wonders when you too will be celebrated.

Celebrating mother’s on this day doesn’t take away from what you are experiencing.

If anything this celebration makes me focus even more on my demise. However dark and grim the situation may seem. Let me encourage you to focus on this one truth. This too will pass.

How and when I do not know. Let your trust be fully placed on the master.

Be reminded of this.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 

Though the fig tree do not blossom,

    nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

    and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

    and there be no herd in the stalls, 

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

    I will joy in the God of my salvation. 

God, the Lord, is my strength;

    he makes my feet like hinds’ feet,

    he makes me tread upon my high places.

Re phrased it becomes

Thought my body will not respond to treatments and my monthly flow remains uncertain

Thought my womb refuse to yield and bear children as I get on in age.

My eyes will remain fixed on the Lord who is my strength. He alone will carry me and bring me into His perfect plan for me.

Sometimes we go through seasons of hardship, loss and deep pain. But no matter what we’ve lost, or wanted but never had, we can like Habakkuk rejoice in our relationship with a loving God.

Even when it feels like we have nothing else, He will never fail or abandon us.

He is the One who “provides for those who grieve His is our ultimate reason for joy (Isaiah 61:3).

Don’t endure Mother’s Day, celebrate it by fixing your eyes on him who loves you beyond reason.

Celebrate the unique experience of waiting and the worthiness of what he is fashioning within you.

Celebrate the person your are becoming as a result of the experiences you are face with

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi


Related post

https://faithfulwait.com/2017/03/25/celebrating-mothers-day/

https://faithfulwait.com/2018/03/11/how-to-handle-the-pressures-of-mothers-day/

Joy After 𝗣𝗮𝗶𝗻

I have previous written about the struggles of Gabriella Union  (46) in my post

speak out”.

In her interview to pure woman she told a heartbreaking story of going through 7-8 miscarriage. What pain she must have gone through. .

She found out that she has adenomyosis, which is endometriosis of the uterus. It occurs when the endometrial tissue, the same tissue that lines the uterus, grows into the the muscular wall of the uterus, causing intense period pain, prolonged and heavy menstrual bleeding and, in severe cases like Union’s, infertility.

Union did not give up, and than masked the problem which she felt they were doing by advising her to go on the pills, she felt the problem where being masked.

Fast forward to November 7 she and her husband Dwayne Wade  welcomes a beautiful Miracle baby girl via surrogacy.

Her Instagram post is one of pure joy. You can tell that although the road leading to this was littered with pain and tears it was also hope and faith filled.

She did not give up, when her body said no, she sought other option, surrogacy.

A cation on one of her Instagram post was “This little dynamo reminds me to never give up on my dreams “.

I wanted to share this story with you because it is one of faith, hope, and the miracle of having a baby against all odds.

You too maybe at a point where it seems all Hope is lost, you have tried and tried but still nothing seems to be happening.

Don’t give up, try and try again.

Explore the options available to you, do hide away in grief. Speak out. And seek help..

You deserve a baby you deserve to experience the joy of that first smile and many more afterwards. .

Joy and and hope is not the presence of a few.you too can and I hope will become a mum as you with hope, faith and vigor try one more time.

If you want to know more about surrogacy please see previous post here

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

6 Ways To Deal With Father’s Day

Father’s day is here and for the man dealing with infertility it can be pretty tough. How do you deal with the public adulation from children to their father and from mums to the father of their children?

Often men do not express their feelings, the focus of infertility is on the female.

The emotional roller coaster faced by men Is made worse at this time of the year when fathers are being appreciated.

The fact that a man does not express his feelings does not mean that they feel nothing.

The inability to father a child is very much felt by man as it is women

So how do you deal with Father’s Day as a man facing infertility?

Here are 6 ways to deal with Father’s day celebration.

1. Stay focus on what’s important: often we take our eyes off the important things in life, like good friends, partners, good health and family support. Stay focus on these instead of your inability to be a dad.

2. Appreciate the good things in your life right now. Do you have a supportive spouse this is the time to appreciate and celebrate them.

Do you have a good community of friends who understand the situation you are in. Appreciate them and show them you care for and value their support.

3. Allow yourself to be hopeful : it is very tempting to lock up your emotions and shut out every mention of the word Father’s Day. However this may be a chance for you to allow yourself to be hopeful.

You may not be a father today, and are faced with many challenges, regardless be hopeful. Be hopeful that perhaps this too will pass. And one day you too will be called father, papa or dad.

4. Reflect: If the celebration of Father’s Day is too much to handle, use this time to go away from it all and reflect. Reflect on the process and what you have become. If you have become bitter, search and see if there is a way you can become more appreciate of the live and love you have.

This is also a time to think about your partner, have you drifted apart as a result of infertility? Plan ways to rekindle the love you once felt. Also use this as an opportunity to talk about the future, dream together and plan together.

5. Pray and believe: infertility for men ca be especially difficult as men often pride themselves as giver of live. Most talk about their prowess is the bedroom. To be faced with infertility is bog knock on their ego. Still pray and believe you can father a child via legal means. Consider the possibilities and be hopeful to the point of believe.

So you may not be a father today? Tomorrow is a new day. Let yourself celebrate all that is good and true in you. Appreciate what you have and face the future with renewed strength and faith in your body.

Your partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

How To Handle the Pressures of Mother’s Day

The hardest day in the calendar for any woman trying to conceive is Mother’s Day.

Shortly after Valentine’s Day shops are dressed up with Mother’s Day gifts and cards.

Everywhere you go there it is “Happy Mother’s Day card or some form of advertisement”.

My heart use to sink and do a double dive when I started TTC.

There were those who felt I should be positive and remain hopeful. Join the celebration and not shut myself out. It’s easy to say and a bad advice from well meaning people.

They don’t get it. I was positive and hopeful but I was not in a celebratory mood for a child I don’t have. How can I be?

I was not a mother.. instead I was faced with the reminder even more so on and around the period leading to Mother’s Day

If you are dreading this season here a some suggestions on how to deal with this day.

Speak with friends: Tell close friends and family how you feel and implore them to be sensitive. If you don’t want to receive a happy Mother’s Day card tell them so. You are entitled to how you feel. Don’t suffer or go angry in silence, speak up against unpleasant comments.

Celebrate others: do you have a mum, sister. Or a great friend you admire? Celebrate them in your own way.

Celebrate something about your life: yes you may not be a mother, but you are a good friend, wife, sister, employee etc Celebrate this..

Go on a pampering break. Take yourself out or arrange to go with your partner or friend. Buy yourself that dress, get your hair, nails and foot done. Appreciate yourself, you are beautiful in every single way. Yes you may not have a child yet, but you have a heart, a smile and a life worth living. Celebrate this

Avoid anything likely to upset you, yes I really do. Shopping mall, churches, friends with kids. It may seem strange, I know. if being around celebratory places during the period leading up to Mother’s Day will upset you, avoid those places.

Allow others to celebrate you: I know it is a painful reminder of what you don’t have. If your nieces, nephews, God or friends kids wants to celebrate you, allow them. Think of it as a good gesture, they mean you well.

Avoid Social Media: Many will be wishing their mums and posting pictures of their children wishing them a happy Mother’s Day on social media. Guard your heart or it will upset you. If seeing all the greetings makes you anxious and upset. Why bring yourself more misery? Avoid them.

Immense yourself in your work, business or any interest of your choice. Do whatever will make you feel happy on the day. Plan your activities well ahead of time to avoid feeling lost for what to do on the day.

Celebrate it if it makes you feel better, gives you hope and encourages you. What I do not encourage you to do is celebrate with a feeling of sadness, constantly be eating yourself for not being a mum. So if you must, do it with hopes and with a feeling that you are taking part in the celebration before you actually Wellcome your baby.

Do not feel sorry for yourself: yes you may not have a child yet, but that doesn’t make you any less of a woman. have you achieved so many great and wonderful things in your life? Celebrate this.

Do not let the expectations of others overwhelm you. You alone know the burden you carry. Be you and do whatever you feel comfortable with. If that means not being amongst others, please yourself.

Avoid any situations where you feel vulnerable to prying questions and never feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Read More »

Our Hope For The New Year.

Now the Year is over,

The next has drawn near.

With nothing written in it, yet.

One where we hope our dreams and desires will be fulfilled.

Our eyes are looking, waiting and hoping that this year we will experience greater joy, peace, and unity.

O dear fellow earthly traveller, as you journey into another year, who or what will you lean on?

Earthly strength? Did that help you this year?

Earthly wealth? How did you fare? Perhaps wealth brought you health.

Earthly friends? Did they desert you or where they a present help in your time of need?

Earthly possessions? Did they bring you great joy or sadness?

What did you find comfort in this year?

Was the joy you found lasting or do think something else was needed?

As you step into the Next Year, I implore you to

let God be your strength, for His strength never fails.

Let Him be your guide for He leads in the right path.

Let Him be your friend for His is faithful and will never fail.

Let Him be your riches for His storehouses never runs out.

Let Him be your health for He comes with healing in his wings.

Let Him be your help for He is a present help in trouble.

Let Him be your light for He is the light of the World and in Him there is no darkness.

Let Him be all that you need and will ever want, in Him dwells are the fulfillment of everything.

Make a Him your top priority and you will enjoy a peaceful and successful Year.

Happy New Year.

your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Comfort & Joy: in the mist of infertility.

O the pains brought on by this infertility is excruciating. It reaches deep into the soul and affects every facet of our lives. It is visible for all to see and It stands out like a sore thumb.

It looks insurmountable like a great big mountain.

Our womb like a rugged road incapable of holding a child.

Our sperm seems so dead that all hope seems lost.

The outlook so bleak we become blur by endless tears from our pain.

The picture of infertility does not inspire joy.

So too was the picture of a child in a manger. Picture the manger with farm animals and a baby inside, this was not the beautiful nativity scene we see today.

I imagine it was smelly, with hen droppings, bleats of goats, very small and uncomfortable indeed. But inside that manger was a child promised to bring comfort and joy to the world.

Yes, the picture of a baby inside a manger was not inspiring but the baby was.

He came to make every crooked path straight,

Every mountain  brought low.

Every rugged places plain.

Every valley raised.

Every rough ground level.

What does this means for us today? To me it means he made the impossible possible

I can find the different causes of infertility in all of what Jesus came to change. Crooked paths, rugged places, rough patches and low valleys, what infertility represents.

Picture your situation and picture the child who came thousands of years ago, to bring hope, comfort and Joy to all.

Christmas isn’t just a feel good story, Christmas happened. Christmas is Christ in every difficult situation making them better. As you celebrate his birth this Christmas, whatever your diagnoses, picture him bringing comfort and Joy into it

Your partner in Hope

D’Ebi.

A Little Town, A Great Outcome: The Christmas PromiseHope Against HopeDon’t tire, keep trying.

Resurected Hope 

Picture the scene with me: here was a woman who has had several miscarriages, she has bleed countless number of times and as she lay bleeding the last time she screamed in agony “who will call me mother”. “Who will tug at my apron strings for waffles”

“Who will wave at me from the pack of excited kids at the Christmas carol choir concert?

“Who will make little Mother’s Day card with writing barely readable 

Who? Why? When?

Who will tell me pretend stories of monkeys, gorillas and Iguanas. She lay there sobbing and crying as she recalls her losses. 

When I am in distress I call you because you answer me. 

Losing a child through miscarriage or stillbirth, or other circumstances leaves a couple drained, confused and the future uncertain.

Today week we celebrate Easter, I wonder, how did the mother of Jesus felt losing her son. Mary must have been

distraught just as any other parent. 

His earthly parents felt helpless and hopeless, one minute they had a son, the next he was gone.

I am certain they experienced the pain of loss any parent would at the loss of a child. At the time it felt like all hope was gone, they couldn’t see past the present, their loss, pain and heartache had blurred every thought. They did not see 3 days later. 

This was how I felt when I lost my two precious babies to miscarriage. Having waited for a long time I finally had something to look forward to. I thought the wait was over, when I felt pregnant but the cruel hand of lost came and snatched my dream from me. 

I was elated at the news of my pregnancy, to finally be pregnant and be an expectant mum, felt like heaven to me.

And then came the bleeding, the pain and the aches. The why mes and the when. At that moment, I felt lost, helpless and hopeless. My world came crashing down. 

Back to Mary, she didn’t see the next 3 days, the miracle of resurrection and the hope life gives, she was consumed by her lost.

The gap between when her son, ‘The Saviour’ came back to life, was a blur. She couldn’t go about business as usual, hence she took it upon herself to anoint his body daily. 

At least she could do something with her time, she looked forward to the next day when she would anoint his body again, but it was another disappointment. He was gone again, taken away from her. Her one last shred of hope.

Nothing wrong in hanging on to hope and whatever reminds us of what we want and lost. Just like Mary we hang on, holding on to whatever may make us feel better. We live one day at a time.

Mary, was wrong he hadn’t been taken away from her again, he had come back to her, he had given her life, hope and reason to live again. Her son came back.

Our lost child may not resurrect like Jesus did, but we can have faith in the knowledge that we can start again, we have life and we can try again and dream again.

I waited for several years to fall pregnant, Only to suffer miss stages. I taught my number was up, my world caved in and my hope of being a mum was still a distant dream. 
We decided to give it another try and go for it again, and our resolve paid off, we now have 2 little girls, our tears turned to Joy, our sorrows a distant memory and the lost we suffered remembered without pain. 
My encouragement to you today.

Let the Easter story fill you with faith to believe and strength to carry on. The pain you feel from the loss you suffered will be stepping stones to a comeback.

You may have lost a child but let your hope come alive again, let it resurrect and fill you with faith to try again, to see beyond your lost. 

You too will some day experience joy and peace when your desires are reborn. I don’t know how it will be, but with God nothing shall be impossible. 

Easter gives us a hope and strength to keep trying, to trust, to have faith, and believe. 

  Happy Easter.