Coping with Miscarriage and Loss

you can do tthis

The pain of miscarriage is so intense that even though I now have kids, I was unable to talk about it until recently.

I can only describe the moment when I realised I was losing my baby as unreal. I did not know what or how to feel. I was dumbfounded, confused, bemused, and had an out-of-body experience. It felt like it was not happening.

Such was my confusion, that I refused to think about what was happening. I shrugged it off and decided to go on with my plans for the day. In the hopes that when I return, everything will return to normal. I was wrong.

The friend I had plan to meet was shocked to hear that I had just learnt I was having a miscarriage and I was still intent on meeting her.

She talked me out of it. Maybe she shouldn’t have, maybe I would have cried my eyes out and openly grieved, I don’t know, but instead I hid away in fear, frustration, anger, void of any emotions.

Looking back now, I won’t recommend my way of dealing with my first miscarriage to anyone.

I returned to my day job a week after I had bled it out just because I was bored with staying at home and ashamed to look at myself in the mirror.

After the second miscarriage I was forced to deal with the lost differently. It turned out that my brother-in-law was getting married and had paid for us to attend the wedding in the beautiful country of Mauritius. This unconscious choice turned out to  be a blessing in disguise, it opened my mind to what others can do to cope with a loss.

  1. Go Away: shortly after my second miscarriage we had a wedding invitation far away to Mauritius. At first I was reluctant to go on the trip, I was still bleeding and was not in a celebratory mood. My husband persuaded me to visit my MD who decided a C-section was necessary to remove any remnant and avoid any mishaps while I was away. During our time away I remembered nothing of my loss. It was as if removing myself from the event was healing in itself. We had the hen night party, New Year’s Eve party, we were so busy, I had no time to wallow in misery. An added benefit was the messages and deep-sea relaxation i had, which did my body and mind a world of good.  Till date it’s still one of the best holiday I had been on. By the time we came back the loss seem like a distant memory. I was able to pluck up courage to try again.

  2. Dancing: I can picture your suprise, dance? yes, you read right, dance. Strange to recommend dancing to anyone who has had a miscarriage. I guess the fact that I was given the all clear to travel made me lose myself in the moment. Our resort had nightly entertainment which made it difficult not to dance. Dancing took me to a place I did not know existed. I was truly liberated from pain, anger, and fear. From that moment on I had music everywhere in the house. Now I dance at every occasion. Dance got me through this difficult and worse period of my life… On my return, I joined a local dance club where I regularly attend weekly dance classes. It was liberating and exhilarating. I found a new passion and hobby when I found dance, I was free from worry, from disturbing thoughts and most of all I enjoyed it. .

  3. Praying: One would think this should have been the first thing I do, na, I did everything else but talk to God. I did cry and complain, but I did Not stop to talk to my Heavenly Father about my feelings. On this trip, I had time to focus and have a clear mind. I took time to really communicate with him and I felt him near me. His presence was reassuring and I truly felt peaceful inside. I felt his gentle whisper that everything will be ok. In that moment of prayer I felt I can face whatever the future brings.  I can truly say my prayer times were the reason I healed so quickly long before I had a baby.

  4. Personal Reflection; linked closely with praying but during these times I did not pray I just reflected on the good things I had going on in my life. I forced my mind to refocus on the good not the bad. I learnt the lines from motivational songs and reflected on them. I retrained my mind to be still and not to wonder. On my return no one believed I had just had a miscarriage. There was no outward sign of sadness or depression. I had grief alright but I was healed.

You may not have the means to go away to experience the peace time away can bring, however you can steal away a few moments away somewhere quiet.

You can go on quiet walks in the park or wood and get lost in the beauty of nature.  You can take up swimming and afterwards steam in the sauna. In that time you can draw strength from within, from the beauty of nature and the peace it brings.

Other little things you can do.

  • Join a miscarriage support group, your local clinic may be able to recommend some to you. You can draw strength from the experiences of others
  • counselling: you may want to seek counselling, ask your support nurse or clinic for this.

  • Volunteering is a way of taking the focus off your issues. When you are well enough look at your local library or church and find out how you can volunteer.

I urge you to  embark on a trip of self rediscovery, set your mind free from the pain of the loss you have experience, find something that can refocus your thought, which can fill you will hope and strength again, and as you do, you will experience healing and become more resilient through the journey towards becoming a parent.

 

 Please let leave a comment and let us know your thoughts. also like and share our page you never know who will be blessed.

 

Your partner in Hope

D’Ebi

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National Infertility Week

in the middleOn this National Infertility Week, I am flooded with memory of my time on the treadmill suffering this dreaded disease. Both good and bad memories. After all I tried unsuccessfully for several years to have a child. So it is with mix feelings I pen this piece.

Infertility is a sickness, a disease which should not be allowed to fester and thrive.

Over the weekend, I met with some lovely friends,  who also suffered the same fate of waiting, miscarriages, stillbirth and finally birth. I am reminded of how fortunate we all are in fulfilling our heart desires of becoming parents. I recognised that this is still a struggle and a dream for many.

As we sat chatting in celebration over the purchase of a house by one of us, a very beautiful house in a prime suburb: listening to the sounds of the kids running around screaming, the conversation came up about what we had been through.

The story began, from one to the other. I listened as we recalled some really gruesome tales of our ordeal.

I was amazed at how we were able to recall very intimate details and exact happenings of the losses we suffered.

Between the 3 of us, 17 babies were lost either through miscarriages, still birth and death. This was no small number, this was epic and painful to talk about. As we talked, we began to salute those who helped us along the way and the courage  of those still trying.

Today I want to salute everyone who is currently going through infertility, this is dedicated to you.

This post also highlights how we coped in the midst of going through one of the most trying periods of  our lives:

As we discussed it became obvious we had

  • the support of good friends and family,
  • our spouses and
  • our faith.

A strong support network of Good Friends: We recalled those who walked the road with us, friends who though did not face the same struggles non understood our pain, were a strong support, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen without judging us, a ready help. Those who sat with us while we waited at the hospital for another evacuation. Those who abandoned everything else at the news that we needed them. Their prayers, presence and love was strong enough to give us faith. On this national infertility week I salute you my friends.

Our spouses: while we struggled, while we waited, while pain ravages and friends leave, when faith weaver and hope hangs on a thread. Their presence, support, friendship, understanding and love was a constant.

We joked that God knew we couldn’t combine  this terrible fate in addition to having a spouse/partner who was not supportive. They listened when we made no sense. They saw us at our most vulnerable but loved us no less. It was a joint pain, it was a shared burden, we were never alone. Our spouses were a constant.

So on this national infertility week we salute our spouses, partners, those who were helpers on the journey through infertility.

Our Faith: faith was what carried us through those times when we felt like giving up, when we thought that we couldn’t carry on any longer. Faith saw us through. We had a picture of what we wanted and kept that in view. When we bled and buried our babies, faith was a strong force urging us to have another go. Faith was our anchor, our hope: faith that our bodies will do what it was meant to do, carry and birth a child.

Faith in God, in his infinite power to restore and make new again. We were not going to let anything take our faith away. We salute faith and the courage to keep trying every time we suffered a loss

You: I salute you my waiting friends, through teary eyes you look at the negative lines on the test strip and sob, but walked on with a strong resolve to keep trying. Through aching heart, you wondered when the tide will calm and the cloud lift for you to see your dreams birthed in the form of a child:

You who smiled through side comments and sarcastic remarks

You who watched helplessly as you bleed at the loss of another child

You who stood by the graveside to bury another sweet little baby

I salute your tenacity

Your hope,

Your zeal

Your resolve

Your strength

Your faith

Your courage

Here’s my encouragement to you today. Have faith in the process, though it may be tough right now, have faith in your ability, for faith never fails.

On this national infertility week I urge you to make faith your best friend. let it be your guide, your hope, your scour, your friend, your victory.

You may still be on this journey, and may just be hanging in there with the help of someone special, keep on holding on.

For some of you, your relationships may have fallen apart, friends may have left or grew weary of hearing the same story.

Let faith carry you to the finish line. Our story changed from pain and tears to, testimonies and laughter.

So I pray that you too will reminisce over the past with joy and peace.

I salute your faith, faithful friends, supportive partners/spouse, but above all, I salute you, as you faithfully wait.  

 

Your Friend and faithful Partner in Waiting

Other related post you may like: National Infertility Awareness Week., Unfair Generosity, The Pain of Miscarriage

 

D’Ebi

  

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day: 16 October 2016

I couldn’t write anything on that day. I wanted to write something to encourage those who have suffered loss of any kind but I couldn’t find the words.. then I received this in my inbox and refused to look at it, I felt really down and wondered how those babies I lost would have looked liked had they lived…

I decided to share this article as it blessed me so much. You can subscribe to received daily encouragements from the www. SarahLaughter.com. 
Happy reading 

 Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is a day set aside to honor and remember your babies–so very loved–lost to miscarriage or stillbirth. Sarah’s Laughter joins you in honoring and remembering all babies loved and lost. Those miscarried a a few days after a positive pregnancy test. Those carried full term but not carried home. Those conceived in embryology labs but never survived to transfer. If you loved and lost your baby–no matter the timeline–we remember them with you.

Tears are frequent companions along the road you travel. They appear at the most inconvenient times and refuse to be silenced. Your heart is heavy from the burden you bear, and life insults you by continuing on. 

You have an appointment, and it is one your heart will want to keep. Facing the loss of precious babies, appointments with doctors become something that we tend to fear or dread. We grow weary of bad reports and worse realities. Many times the appointments raise more questions than ever, and they all remain unanswered. But there is an appointment set for you with the One who holds every answer to every question your heart has ever asked. You have an appointment with God. 

 One day, you will stand face to face with the God who chose to allow you to suffer through the unbelievable sorrow of the death of your babies. One day, you will look into the eyes of Love Himself and finally have a conversation with the only One who knows the reasons why. What will God do? The answer is found in Revelation 21:3-5:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, say, “Behold, the tabernacle of God 
is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain;

 the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”

 Your tears will come to an end that day. The same hand that formed the first man, the same hand that stretched out over raging waters and calmed a storm, the same hand that had a nail driven through it, the same hand that formed your babies in your womb, will one day reach out to you again, and wipe the tears from your face. He’ll lock eyes with you and touch your face. Your tears and your hurt will vanish, never to take residence in your heart again. With compassion unmatched through time and eternity, your Heavenly Father will make all things new, and will banish sorrow and mourning from your heart. No more death. No more pain. No more prematurity. No more separation. All things will be made new.

Until that day, weep when you need to. The same Lord who will wipe your tears away takes note of those same tears today, and He keeps them in a bottle. He promises to be near to you when you are brokenhearted. He must be close today.  

 So grieve as you need to. Just don’t grieve as those who have no hope. Your tears will end one day, and you’ll see your babies again. It’s an appointment I know you’ll want to keep.  

 

I love hearing from you. Please email me at

beth@sarahs-laughter.com and tell me your story.
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