To Adopt or Not.

I previously wrote about the various options towards becoming a parent. One of such option is adoption.

Adoption brings as much joy to a couple as if they had conceived the child themselves, in adoption a parent opens up their heart to receive another human. For whatever reason the child has become separated from their birth parents and need a loving home to be nurtured.

In Adoption, a child is conceived in the hearts, not the womb.

I personally think that adoption is the most loving, selfless and beautiful act anyone can perform.

I am reminded of the story of Joseph “the father” of Jesus. As he secretly planned to do away with Mary to avoid the shame brought about by her pregnancy.

The angel of God appeared to him and commanded him to raise Jesus as his own. He was told to adopt the son of God.

Having been told by an angel I am sure he still had some questions but he was assured by the fact that, God has a plan in his story.

As you consider your options, I pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal his plans for you and direct your steps to the best options toward fulfilling your dreams.

Some couples have disagreed on adoption as an option and this has led to the break down of their marriages.

If you are one of such people, my heart goes out to you. I pray that you will soon find someone who will share the same vision as you. If you desire to go it alone…May your strength be multiplied.

As you reflect on the Christmas story, remember Jesus was adopted by Joseph.

Whatever option you take towards becoming a parent may it bring you be peace and joy.

Your Partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

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Unplanned Pregnancy

The planning, dreaming, scheming and hopes of the future can be seen in the eyes of newly wedded couples.

They have plans, written and spoke.

Where To live, jobs and career plans, places to visit, number of children to have.

Once settled and and the stage is set for children then begin the wait.

As months turns into years it begins to dawn on them that their plans isn’t going according to script.

We soon realise our plans have fallen through after several test, appointments and disappointments. The dreams and hopes begin to grow deem.

Mary had plans to wed Joseph her sweet heart, only for those plans to be scuppered by an unplanned pregnancy. An unwed mother, what scandal, how will she face the world? Joseph was definitely going to leave her.

Explaining why you remain childless is one of the hardest thing to do. how do you respond to the the unspoken accusation, the questioning looks, the side remarks and unkind comments.

How do you explain that this isn’t part of your plan? This isn’t how it was supposed to turn out.

To us and those around us, the waiting doesn’t make any sense. Just as being a pregnant virgin did not make sense to anyone.

Who was going to believe she was carrying the Messiah, the saviour of the world.

Mary yielded herself to God and trusted that his plans for her are perfect.

Do you feel like your plans for a baby has been hijacked? let the story of a virgin Mum inspire you. Believe that the end of your story holds something good.

For the best laid plans are those planned by the master.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Celebrating Mothers Day

It’s Mother’s Day here in UK. For a very long time I did not take part in any kind of Mother’s Day celebration. I avoided it like a plague… I just couldn’t bring myself to celebrate something I am not and so wanted to be.
I avoided going out as the ‘the shops were often decorated with beautiful cards for mothers. Cards of every colour adored the store shelves with heart signs and shapes. Depicting a child’s love for his/her mother… 

One one occasion I received flowers and a card from my husband. I was unhappy about this gesture. I was not going to pretend that I am a mother, I muttered under my breath..I was being realistic, calling it what it is. 

“You know I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day”.  
Why buy me a “Happy Mother’s ” day card? I asked in a strained voice.. ‘he just replied, open it’ and worked away… My husband is not my child, why should I be excited at receiving a card from him?. I thought. 

“The irrational thoughts of a childless woman”. To me, nothing makes sense anymore. 

Later that day, I felt better enough and picked up the cards and felt really really stupid.  On the front was boldly written “I Love You”. This card celebrated me as a person, me a friend, a human being, a wife, it celebrated our union and love.   

My husband of few words wanted me to know that he loves me just as much as I am now, not for what I could be, “a mother”. Mother or not, I am somebody, not defined by my circumstances or a name badge ‘mother’. 

As Mother’s Day approaches you too may be fill with dread, of well meaning friends, God children, and family celebrating their mums… You may want to crawl into bed and be invisible for the day… because you don’t want the fuss. 

I understand the feeling. I celebrated lots of Mother’s Day without being a mother and most of it was not by choice… 

I believe I truly received healing when I decided to stop being hurt by the mention of the word “mother” and I started to take part and enjoy the fun of it. 

Those around you understands too. Do not think your friends, family, or community do not care about you. Rest assured they wish for you to enjoy the pleasures of being a mother, and may show it in strange ways like buying you flowers or cards or taking you out on Mother’s Day. 
Celebrate with them.It’s a joyous occasion and besides happy doesn’t do anyone any harm, but rather relieves of the pressures and thoughts of one’s demise. 

Celebrate who you are and becoming through this process. You have been chosen to walk this path, it is tough but celebrate your strengths 
Celebrate because some were crushed by envy and jealousy but here you are, still still believing and holding on.
Celebrate the unique love your partner has for you… 
celebrate the adversity which has made you both stronger… 

After that incident with my husband I decided I was going to enjoy mother’s day every year. I was a Godmother, an aunty, A mother to be . That qualifies me to celebrate.

I stopped dreading the approach and started to write out cards to mothers whom I admire… 
You may not go as far as I did, but I encourage you to see yourself as what you want to be, ‘a mother’ and be joyful in that knowledge. 
Knowing that even though you may not be a mother right now? You may be one some day.
My prayer for you is that:

You will enjoy the pains of childbirth
Give suck to a child.

Feel the heartbeat of your child next to you

Feel the crush of a tiny fingers holding yours

See the smiles of your child beaming at you

Smell the scent of baby oil running down their cheek

Feel the tenderness of their look as it starts back at you.

Hear the pitapata of tiny feet as they trundle into your bed.

Cherish the warm cuddly hugs of tiny hands around your neck.

Hear a little voice say

Mama I love you”.
Happy Mother’s Day 

The Voice

Social-Listening-574x270

There is a popular singing contest on TV called the voice. If you are not familiar with the format let me educate you…

contestants perform in front of a live audience with 4 judges whose back are turned on them. The judges can only hear the contestant sing without seeing their face… they have to listen to their Voice, tune and melody of the songs to decide who goes through to the next round…

If a judge likes what he/she hears, they press a buzzer which indicates to the contestants that they are wanted by that judge. If more than one judge pushes the button, the contestant have to choose which judge to mentor them in the competition.

 

It is packed with excitements, emotions and disappointments. I like it when all the judge’s press their buzzer, leaving it up to  it is up to contestant to choose the judge they want to mentor them in the show.

Do you know we all listen to a voice? We tune our listening ear to its sound, weighting our decisions in light of “the voice”.


The Voice we contend with are often not as clear as the sound of music, sometimes they may be shrouded in other sounds buried in the daily chores which contends for our attention leaving us confused as to which choice to make.

For anyone who has suffered from infertility you will understand that there are so many voices we hear:

They could be the voice of your in-laws if you are married or in a relationship. “Voices” Begging and urging you to seek help.

while Inside you want to scream out loud

“I have sought help alright”,

“what more can I do?”

The voice of well meaning friends who constantly educate us on the latest medical intervention and how we should hurry up and get started.

The voice of your doctor.

The voice of your spouse

the voices of your family

The voices of friends

The voices of work colleagues and your own inner voice.

The voice we so desperately want to hear is the ‘Voice of The Lord’,

we wait, we try to discern it, we listen for it, we are sure we will press the buzzer and make the right choice if we know it’s His voice but, His voice is unclear or so it seems, amidst the other voices. We just can’t figure out which is His.

We cry out “Lord speak to me”.

I want to hear your voice…..

Silence greets us, we wait, we hope, we cry.


The infertile couple is faced with endless choice as time passes by, this adds to the confusion of not knowing which voice to listen for .


How to distinguish His Voice.

  1. His voice is distinct, amidst the many sounds we hear one thing is sure, his voice is distinct. His voice does not content with other voices because he is not the author of confusion. He is speaking and will continue to speak to us, to hear and distinguish his voice from others, ask him to teach you to listen…

  2. His voice is not forceful: He is not forceful or demanding, other voices can be demanding and forceful, but his is gentle and soothing, it brings peace. Because He is the Prince of Peace.

  3. His Voice is specific without being demanding or forceful: His word is clear about what he wants for us, that is specific and he will confirm His word to us by being specific.

  4. His voice is real: his voice is not  fake or concealed in other directives for you to discern his intention, no. He won’t leave you guessing because his intention is not to confuse you but to direct and guide you.

 

Have the other voices drown out the one true “Voice”?.

Are you tired of hearing many conflicting voices and just cannot discern which is the Father’s?

Listen for a distinct voice, one that is not forceful, but gentle, peaceful, with specific instructions from his word that is real.

His Voice brings peace and hope. If you press your buzzer for that voice, you know you are on the path to having your needs met.

Stay Still, wait, listen, and you will hear “His Voice”.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

 

Post that may interest you

Others View Point, Unfair Generosity, The “age” thing

 

Others View Point

The trying heart is full of questions. There was no single day I did not ask questions of myself, of others and of God.
Questions like: 

Why me? Yes we all ask that
What next?

How will this story end?

Will I ever become a mother?

Will I be able to handle life without a child? 

Who will call me moma? 

How do others see Me? This last question was once a constant thought on my mind.

At first it was a non-issue, I cared less what others thought of me, but as my time on the waiting mill continued and the knowing looks and side comments from others flowed in, I wondered: “what do they think of me” Barren, infertile, deserving of it? 

For the one trying the questions never ceases, at appointments, we are full of them, we throw numerous questions at our Doctor hoping for the answer we’ve been looking for. Hoping they will finally provide an explanation for our predicament.

We ask questions of ourselves and of others: because: 

  1. We want reassurance that our situation has a reason and that reason is not down to our faults or the faults of others: 
  2. We also want to find comfort in knowing that we are not thought of in a bad way. We want people to see us, not as victims of our situations. 

I will never forget the day I asked my husband what he thought of me. With an incredulous look on his face he answered with a question of his own “why would you ask that kind of question”, and went further to ask “has your view of me changed through this process”? Since we  it’s question time. 

He answered: I think you will make a great mum and I can’t wait to see that happen.You have been phenomenal in handling this situation, your resolve and faith inspires me. I believe you will come through a winner.

We want reassurance that our love ones still see us with the same eyes of love. 

 His answers were reassuring and genuine, but there is one whose view of us matters most to us: God: 

Question: So how do you think God sees you in terms of your situation? What do you think he thinks of you? 

  • Do you think he smirks when he looks at you When he hears you pray and ask for him to help you through  this phase? 
  • Do you think he sees you as a sinner who had that child aborted which makes you undeserving of a child now? 
  • Do you think that’s how the creator sees you? Unworthy to hold a baby of your own?

Sitting right where you are now reading this, pause and give this a thought. 
What’s been your view of God’s view of you. 
If it’s been one of unworthiness and undeserving? 
Let me enlightening you, whether you are a christian or not, you are deserving of having to hold your own little precious bundle of joy. 

As Christians we know that God loved us so much he GAVE His Son, His only Son for us on the cross. That is love, we were sinners and undeserving of that sacrifice but He Did it. 

If he gave up His Only Son for us, will he not also freely give us everything we desire? Yes He will. 
That’s my message to you today. He made that sacrifice for you, before infertility became the battle of your entire existence. His profession of love was in the form of a baby, how can he withhold you from holding your own baby?



God’s word is very clear on how he feels about you and what you are going through. Do not think for one second that your past has anything to do with your current situation, or that you are been punished for things you did do or did not do. 
God has unlimited capacity of love in his reservoir that no sin, past or present can extinguish or diminish. 
Be reminded that whatever your struggles of infertility are he rejoices over you with Singing and love. His desires for your will be realised. See his view of you in: Zephaniah 3:17 as I faced this struggle, one thing reassured me, that is His unfailing love for me. 

I am reassured that he sees me loved, whole, complete and sane. He died for me, he came for me, no infertility can change that. 

His view of me? I am special and worthy to die for, and worthy to be chosen to wait in faith. Yes, he knows why I have to go through this and when he has tried me I shall come forth as pure gold. Purified, refined and ready to be used for his glory. 

If you have struggled with God’s view of you, as you face infertility, realize you are worthy in His eyes.  
In time, your struggles  will be your cause for testimony. 

Rest, Hope, Believe. 

Your Partner in Hope: 
D’Ebi

Christmas and waiting::

This is one of my favourite times of the year. Simply because I let my hair down, catch up with friends and family. However, this can also be a very challenging time for a woman In waiting. Churches, schools and offices put up shows to celebrate the birth of our saviour, for me, having to deal with the the questions that comes with not having a child of my own was just too much. 

Being a choir teacher meant that I was tasked with putting up a Christmas show for the kids whose ages are between 5-12. My time with these kids was precious, as I just loved seeing them flourish… but the remarks from their parents though well meaning, were mostly uncalled for. 

I took it as a real concern from them as I was a married woman without a child of my own yet here I was helping with the kids choir, to them, it is must be the most difficult of jobs, which it was. 

I understand their concerns and genuine care but for a woman trying I did not need to hear it every single week, especially at christmas.  So Christmas is the one time of the year where I dreaded being with my choir kids. I love my friends kids, nieces and nephews, and my choir kids, but I just wanted the questions and pitiful looks to stop. I wanted to enjoy the seasons without the talk of ‘don’t worry’ it will happen. 

To deal either this time and other festive periods I had to develop my own coping or surviving mechanism: 

Here are five ways I dealt deal with Christmas seasons:

  1. I smile: it’s as simple as that, though I hurt inside each Christmas I had to gather my choir kids and teach them their lines, I smile and have fun through it all… at gatherings I don’t bring up the topics but smile when brought up… smiling mask the pain I felt inside. I didn’t have to sit and listen to all the comments which were sometimes too personal, but I always smiled and excused myself if I have to. 
  2. I seek ways to have fun: Having tried to have a have a baby without success i became stronger as the wait continued,.. where once I would hide away and not take part any event like being a choir teacher, as I walked the road I made a decision do the things I love. I started fun with my friends.

    Thankfully I was blessed and still am with friends in similar situations and during Christmas ime and other festive periods we would go out to movies, theatres and just hang out. This took our focus off the situation. Being with the kids, was also a way of escape for me as always come away elated and blessed after every meeting. 

  3. Spend time with non judgmental love one: our families were incredible through it all: even though they were anxious for us to have a baby, not one word of worry or concern was spoken. We identified those families members who were our strongest supporters and whom we knew were praying with us and spent our holidays with them. They were our source of encouragement and though their support was unspoken it was felt every time we were with them. We were comfortable with them and their kids without the pressure of answering or keeping up appearances. 
  4. Do not avoid gatherings: No matter what, I decided i will enjoy Christmas, i always join the party, in church or at work, knowing life must go on… As a naturally fun person I refused to be beaten by infertility… so I joined celebrations like Carol and nativity services… 
  5. I reflected: To me Christmas is a time of reflection, so I reflected on the miracle of a child brought to us as a saviour, to mend our broken hearts, to bring us our own miracle and to heal our pain… so I reflected on this miracle while having faith for my own. 

So this Christmas don’t dread or fear, rather do hope and find a way to enjoy the season. Believe in the goodness of others that their concerns and remarks although sometimes not welcomed or sought for, is well meaning. Look to God who brought the miracle of Jesus via a virgin birth to bring you your own miracle child… and as you do Smile and be encouraged by the lyrics from Kirk Franklin’s song: Smile: 

This song’s for you

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower
I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile, so smile
Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, tell me where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower now
I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile
Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Choosing an IVF Clinic

hope-never-failsI knew I wanted treatment but I did not know where to go. Even though my hubby is a medic who knew the process, knowing which clinic to use for our IVF treatment took quite a bit of research on our part.

We went with our GP’s recommendation for our first and second treatment, and were referred to a teaching hospital. We thought being a teaching hospital this was a good idea, so we did no background checks.

Checks like: success rates, services on offer, facilities or any such things, we just assumed being a teaching hospital and a research centre we will be fine. we were disappointed with the whole process. It wasn’t the fact that the process failed it was the handling of the process and the treatment we received.

Our experience was so bad that we waited another year and a half before trying a different clinic. During my break from treatment, I did a proper research to IVF clinics, procedures and what my top 10 clinics offered.

Choosing a clinic is a very personal decision one that involves so many criteria. See related article Exploring Treatment Options. After my experience with the first clinic, we checked the fertility regulator websites which was full of so much information that it was impossible to pick one clinic without having to read everything about it.

I decided on a clinic after months of research, reading newspapers reviews and comparing stats. After my research, we decided to write down our expectations from a clinic and the criterial which helped us decide on the clinic to go with:

I don’t want you to go through the same problem so I have compiled a list of 10 questions to asked yourself and the clinic before you choose:

  1. How to search: know what you want from a clinic. It is important that you know what you want and which clinic is good at it. I know you want to be pregnant and have a baby, any clinic has some success rate. But what is your diagnosis and which clinic is best suited to dealing with that? As mentioned above, get up to speed with fertility information.

    Read, read, read, by so doing, you will come across a wealth of information which will help you decide on a clinic. I came across my clinic while searching for the top 10 IVF clinic in the UK, with this search I was able to review the 10 top clinics and decided on the one I eventually used.

  2. Your first port of call: Every clinic has an overview page, which gives detailed information about what the clinics offer, their success rates by age, the treatment they administer and weather they are involved in any research. crucially the price is there somewhere. This page will also provide information on staffs, facility and the location enabling you to make the best decisions based on what you have read in comparison to other clinics.
  3. What’s on offer: what services does the clinic offer in addition to the treatment cycle? do they offer support group where you can be part of during the process? Do they also offer counselling as part of the package? I was a total mess after my first 2 failed experience, some counselling would have gone a long way to help ease the pain, but the clinic offered no such services and did not suggest it. I was shoved out of the door and told better luck next time. my support system where my husband and strength from God.
  4. High up on my list was the support system of the clinic. Soon after my initial consultation, immediately I joined their online forums where we supported each other and gained valuable information about the clinic and certain other procedures. Some clinic offer counselling services to talk you through before you begin, it can be part of the cost or may not be. Find out at your initial consultation, what is offered and if it is included in the overall price.

  5. Location and opening times: This was important for us as my husband and I both worked full time. It was important the clinics offered appointments which were flexible enough to fit within our time. Check if they have early and late openings appointments.

    Also, factor the cost of hotel, taxi trips, if you happen to find a clinic which ticks all the box but not local. My clinic was nowhere near where we live but luckily it was near my office so it was a case of popping out during lunch breaks for tests and scans.

  6. Find out the treatment on offer: Given my pre-existing health conditions I wanted a clinic which offered more than the basic test and treatment, but one that understands how autoimmunity affects fertility.  my research lead me to believe that the clinic we choose offered more than the basic IVF which was reassuring. The More I read about them the more convinced I was about using them. So, it is important to know what clinic is good for what. If you are over 40”, you may want to select the clinic with the highest success rate amongst over 40.

Other questions to ask during your first appointments:

  1. Number of cycles offered by the clinic: Find out the number of cycles they offer and the what stage they choose to stop, if you don’t fall pregnant. I was told at my previous clinic that they won’t offer another treatment as there was nothing they different they will do. This was very devastating news, see related post Surviving Treatment Not only could they not explain why I had such bad results, I was turned down for another treatment without explanation.  It is therefore important to know how far the clinic is willing to go, especially if you are over 40.
  2. Their inspection report: every clinic have an inspection report, what does it say about them? They should have it visible or on their website: go through it and see what it says about how they perform and operate. If it’s not visible ask them for one.
  3. Success rates: it is only natural for you to want to know your chances: what are their success rate per age group.

    Choose a clinic which has data on the number of treatment carried out yearly and the number of successful treatments leading to live births. This should be a guide not as an indication that you will be pregnant. It is good to know as it is reassuring. I was reassured to find out that my clinic was consistently top. Also, compare their success rate to the national average;

  4. Waiting times: regardless of your age you do not want to be waiting endlessly for an appointment, during your research find out the waiting times before your initial appointment. Depending on the popularity of the clinic waiting times can be from 1-6 months. So, ask them during your telephone conversation, to have an indication of how long before your first appointment.
  5.  First impressions matter. How did your initial contact with the clinic went:  where they professional? did you feel welcome? Did you feel like this is the place you should be having treatments? Are the staff courteous, polite, friendly and helpful?

I don’t want you to go through the same problems we faced, which is why I have written this piece. I hope that you have found it helpful, and hope that you will find place where you can have a treatment which will result in what your hearts desires. Please share and leave comment if you have found this helpful.

Men and Infertility

strength-for-tomorrowI cannot and will never understand how a man deal with infertility.  However, I live with one and had a glimpse into his thoughts and actions during the trying period.

It is general knowledge that men are different from women both physically and emotionally,  they deal with issues differently, infertility included.

My husband was not diagnosed as infertile. But he had to deal with my diagnosis and the wait as much as I had to, we were in it together, trying to get pregnant. My hubby is not one to display his emotions, he’s a very guarded guy and often likes to be in control. I have never seen him cry not even when he lost his brother. Dealing with our inability to become pregnant did not change him. He never broke down and sob like I dis, he was a very strong support for me, my back born and always had an uplifting word no matter the diagnosis.

He was the reason I kept going but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t read his thoughts..

Well during this time I realised men deal with infertility in the following ways:

  1. A woman cries and calls her best friend when she receives a not so good news, a man doesn’t cry, none call his best friend, he goes for a walk.
  2. A woman gets a test result and is on the phone to her partner, a man gets a test results and wait to share the news when he gets home.
  3. A woman is up all night because she is anxious about starting the next course of treatments. A man sleeps soundly as if nothing is happening the next day,
  4. A woman charts each ovulation to know exactly when to copulate. A man walks in and says, you are too intense, give it a rest and walks out.
  5. A woman wants to he held and cuddled and told everything will be alright. A man wants to be left alone, and when asked if everything is alright stares at you and wonders what you are talking about.

  6. A woman sees every baby and coos over them, a man just smile politely and looks on nonchalantly.
  7. A woman’s emotions are on display for all to see, a man’s is always guarded and rarely shows emotions.
  8. A woman’s emotions flips on and off, a man’s is pretty much constant.
  9. A woman talks and talks and shares and shares about  her fears, hopes and dreams. A man listens while the TV is on, nods and says yea, everything will be fine.
  10. Women have no reasoning at all during this time, I didn’t, I couldn’t understand why I cannot carry a child, but my hubby was always philosophical about things.
  11. A man may later share his thoughts if everything walks out right, or may never do.

Men deal with infertility their own way and keep their feelings in check.  they don’t want their partners to see them broken, they want to be strong us when we are weak. I know this because If I had seen my husband broken, I would have lost all hope.

bigger-faithThey are also a big support system, my hubby was and held me up when I was down, he was a huge support, always holding my hand through the difficulty.

He later said he was so angry with God at one point and wondered why God wouldn’t just bless me with a child as I was so faithful in serving him.

I may not have seen him cry but I know that he felt my pain and deals with it in his own way. I don’t know why men don’t talk so much about it as women do. I often wonder if they  do feel socially inferior as women do?

Men do not have to worry about a biological clock as women do, could that be the reason why, there is no urgency about it all?

Do they wonder about their past the way we do?  Crying, asking for forgiveness over and over again over a past mistake?

even though they may not express their emotions in the same way as women, I do know that do feel the same pain as much as we do.

They do feel the pain and fear of not being able to be a father. They may wonder what it will be like to be pregnant as well as what it will be like to hold their own child, to see that first smile? To teach and do them stuff with their child.

Do they fear that they will never feel those exquisite Joys of fatherhood? To see the first steps, to hear them say dada, to kiss them goodnight?  

A man’s a pain may even be deeper than a woman as they wonder if they are any Less of a man for not passing their seed to the next generation.

An encouragement to women, do not be hard on your man if he’s not as open as you are. He deals with his pain differently from you. Encourage him to talk about how he feels, and wait for him to want to do so in his time.

Be no less loving, sweet and encouraging because he seem distance, that’s his way.

As you both walk this road faithfully, my hope for you is that you will both find a positive end to your story.

we would love to hear from a man’s perspective, comment below to share your thoughts

 

Your partner in hope.

D’Ebi

 

Related article: My Wishes

Unfair Generosity

be the momI often hear statements like these “life’s not for”, or ‘this is not fair’. We uttered these words during times of hardships or whenever we are faced with difficult circumstances..

For me, I saw life as unfair when I failed to get pregnant while a young girl who has no means of taking  care of her child keeps getting pregnant.
Life isn’t fair when those who have no business having kids, do and the kids end up being abused.

I will never forget the day I cried after watching the sentencing of a couple who murdered their child, ‘it’s not fair I wailed!’

Surely, God should have seen this coming and placed that child in a lovely home to parents who will raise them better. 

Life isn’t fair when another friend tells me she is pregnant by accident….really? Is there any such thing? I often wondered. Why not me? ‘I would love an accidental pregnancy’ ”Lord”… 

Unfairness seems to be everywhere I looked as a waiting woman. It doesn’t matter the blessings I enjoyed, I looked at them with the eyes of unfairness. I would enjoy it better if I had kids, “ I reasoned”.

It dawned on me that there will never be a fairness in life as long as I chose to view every situation from “my cup is half empty”…

Let me ask these questions of you as I asked myself while going through my waiting period. How many times have you asked, ‘why me for each blessing you received’? For being promoted at work? Or receiving an unexpected gift. 

Surely it’s unfair to find strength to face this situation, while others struggle to keep their marriage and lose their health. Some folks didn’t make it as far as you did.

Is life unfair when We are repeatedly blessed financially? 

Is life unfair when God constantly provides to meet our needs with funds for each treatment and medication? No, we never considered that some people will never be able to afford a treatment for infertility. 

Is life unfair when your spouse or partner showers you with unfailing love even in the midst of infertility? Some marriages couldn’t withstand the pressure of waiting and trying.

Our obsession with comparing ourselves to others has bred a generation of ungrateful beings.

Have you ever stopped to think that your blessings is viewed as unfair by someone else? 

The workers in the story in Matthew 20, viewed their employer’s generosity as unfair… They wanted a decent pay for a good day’s work… However they were surprised to find that even those who started work at the close of day got as much as those who started earlier. 

“O”, how unfair” they cried…how can we who started at six, put in a day’s job, get the same wages as those who started at the end of the day.

They failed to realised that the farmer’s generosity wasn’t based on an hourly rate. It was a daily flat rate regardless of the time worked. They negotiated the Daily rate deal for those who were to come after…

Those who got the same for doing less never complained, only those who did more for the same

No, we never complained when we are at the receiving end of a blessings only when we deemed others more blessed than they should be or more blessed than us…

Who determines who gets what? The wage giver and in his time he will give what he deems fit to everyone who asks.

Did he not promise everyone who ask receives? Not he who asked first, or ask last. 

You may have asked longer than the newly wedded couple down the road, who just welcomed their first baby … they are the labourers who just entered the farm.

Regardless, you will be rewarded with the same blessings, a child…long wanted, who will be welcomed, wrapped in fine clothing, a gift for your labour.

 It won’t matter how long you have waited then… faithfully wait and do away with the comparison.
What is viewed as unfair is someone’s blessings. Let’s learn to celebrate others as we wait expectantly for our blessings.

 

Your partner in Hope

 

Debbie

We are equals

My blood boils, as the news broke on national TV, how dare she bring that up I fumed at no one in particular. What kind of woman uses the fact that she has children over another woman who can’t? Only a woman who has never suffered the pain of infertility or loss of a child, I concluded.

I was enraged. I don’t know Theresa May personally, but I do understand what it is to suffer from infertility.

This was last month, during the leadership contest between Theresa May and Andrea Leadson, the only news that week was the interview given by Andrea Leadsom to the times newspaper. In a bid to throw the first mud she gave an interview to the times where she claimed she’s a better candidate because she has kids and her opponent did not.

Theresa May had previously openly talked about her inability to have kids. As I watched the story played out on national TV I was shocked at the insensitivity of her opponent.

Infertility should not be an ace to be used in a contest. The same way as one suffering from cancer, diabetes or other serious illness cannot be mocked.you are not inferior

I am reminded of the story of Hannah and her mate long time ago, both of them were married to the same men, unlike her mate, Hannah was unable to bear children. Her rival wife taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children. This went on year after year. Every time she went to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted. Hannah was reduced to tears and had no appetite. Her mate made her felt inadequate at every opportunity she had.

The beauty of it all was that Hannah never uttered a word. She took her pain and her problem to the all-knowing and all faithful one.  Infertility, loss or stillbirth can open the door for others to thrown mud at you. People may secretly glee at your demise, or make sniggering remarks regarding your situation. Do not worry, just take your problems to God.  I remember when I got such remarks I always felt rage inside, but held my tongue.

 

Theresa May did the honourable thing and uttered not a word in her defence. Instead others fought for her. She didn’t have to do anything others took it upon themselves and called for Angela to resign, which she did.

The battle is not yours, the battle is the Lord’s.  He who has brought you this far will see you all the way. Just like Theresa, hold your peace, soon you will be matching your way to victory.

Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth does not make you less qualify than anybody else, neither is anyone better than you because they have kids. We all fight different battles, the test of our faith comes in different ways. As you walk this road, be secured in the knowledge of who you are in Christ. You are a victor in every area of your life, belief it.  

I dedicate this piece to anyone who has tried and failed to see their desires birthed in a child

To see suffering turned to glory

To anyone who wished for a miracle but got a miscarriage

Your pain does not define you,

The snares and jeers will not deter you

Give your dreams wings to fly, soar above every pain and ugliness and see beyond to a peaceful and blessed ending.

 

Your friend in hope.

Debbie