Category: Painful Wait

When God Brings Peace.

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What does peace look like? I  asked the kids at  Sunday school.

Their answers were surprising and came in quick succession.  

One replied: when I don’t have any fears. another, when I am happy, sleeping and playing, holiday brings peace. when I lie down and there is no sound.

But one child replied: When God calms the storm.

That stopped me in my track. This Child remembered the story of Jesus and the storm. When His disciples were worried about drowning and Jesus spoke bringing calm to the waves and seas.

The various replies can be woven into this one statement: When God calms the storm.

Certainly when Jesus said peace be still there was calm, the waves ceased in obedience to Him.

I wonder, what do you need to be cam in your life today? Your heart might be torn from endless wait in various places at various time.

14 day wait or two weeks wait, for the change in the pregnancy test stick. From the results of a recent surgery.

None of these wait brings peace, we are often anxious for what’s to comes or what might not be.

In this season of Advent, ask God to bring His peace into your heart whatever the situation and he will.

He will calm your storms, because that what he does. He bring peace to every situation. All you need to do is ask Him.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Related pieces

The 2 weeks wait, http://14.co.ukHope does not bring shame., Surviving Treatment, In Silence, What If, Always With Us, Advent: Season of Hope

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How To Handle the Pressures of Mother’s Day

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The hardest day in the calendar for any woman trying to conceive is Mother’s Day.

Shortly after Valentine’s Day shops are dressed up with Mother’s Day gifts and cards.

Everywhere you go there it is “Happy Mother’s Day card or some form of advertisement”.

My heart use to sink and do a double dive when I started TTC.

There were those who felt I should be positive and remain hopeful. Join the celebration and not shut myself out. It’s easy to say and a bad advice from well meaning people.

They don’t get it. I was positive and hopeful but I was not in a celebratory mood for a child I don’t have. How can I be?

I was not a mother.. instead I was faced with the reminder even more so on and around the period leading to Mother’s Day

If you are dreading this season here a some suggestions on how to deal with this day.

Speak with friends: Tell close friends and family how you feel and implore them to be sensitive. If you don’t want to receive a happy Mother’s Day card tell them so. You are entitled to how you feel. Don’t suffer or go angry in silence, speak up against unpleasant comments.

Celebrate others: do you have a mum, sister. Or a great friend you admire? Celebrate them in your own way.

Celebrate something about your life: yes you may not be a mother, but you are a good friend, wife, sister, employee etc Celebrate this..

Go on a pampering break. Take yourself out or arrange to go with your partner or friend. Buy yourself that dress, get your hair, nails and foot done. Appreciate yourself, you are beautiful in every single way. Yes you may not have a child yet, but you have a heart, a smile and a life worth living. Celebrate this

Avoid anything likely to upset you, yes I really do. Shopping mall, churches, friends with kids. It may seem strange, I know. if being around celebratory places during the period leading up to Mother’s Day will upset you, avoid those places.

Allow others to celebrate you: I know it is a painful reminder of what you don’t have. If your nieces, nephews, God or friends kids wants to celebrate you, allow them. Think of it as a good gesture, they mean you well.

Avoid Social Media: Many will be wishing their mums and posting pictures of their children wishing them a happy Mother’s Day on social media. Guard your heart or it will upset you. If seeing all the greetings makes you anxious and upset. Why bring yourself more misery? Avoid them.

Immense yourself in your work, business or any interest of your choice. Do whatever will make you feel happy on the day. Plan your activities well ahead of time to avoid feeling lost for what to do on the day.

Celebrate it if it makes you feel better, gives you hope and encourages you. What I do not encourage you to do is celebrate with a feeling of sadness, constantly be eating yourself for not being a mum. So if you must, do it with hopes and with a feeling that you are taking part in the celebration before you actually Wellcome your baby.

Do not feel sorry for yourself: yes you may not have a child yet, but that doesn’t make you any less of a woman. have you achieved so many great and wonderful things in your life? Celebrate this.

Do not let the expectations of others overwhelm you. You alone know the burden you carry. Be you and do whatever you feel comfortable with. If that means not being amongst others, please yourself.

Avoid any situations where you feel vulnerable to prying questions and never feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

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Fearful Wait.

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Do I dare to hope?

Do I dare believe?

Do I dare trust that it will all work out?

Do I dare take a peek at the future?

Do I dare dream that this will be a reality?

The story of the waiting soul goes through endless questions which may seem stupid?

Hope, faith and trusts don’t come easily to the soul that’s weary from waiting.

The roller coaster of emotions we feel is as a result of the uncertain brought on my our demise.

I remember how I felt after being told “my condition was unexplained”. I couldn’t get the thought that medicine had no explanation for my ailment. I was deeply troubled. How can I embark on a treatment without knowing the cause?

I had questions without answer. I feared that I was going to face life without kids. Every appointment was fear filled, every test result waited upon with apprehension,

Fear and uncertainty are constant companion to those waiting.

Mary the mother of Jesus was afraid at the news that she was to become an unwed mother to the promised Messiah.

So many thought ran through her mind.

“Fear Not”, said the angel.

She was reassured it would be alright and she held on to that word.

Fear not fellow travellers, when the road seem endless and you become weary from waiting.

Release your fears to the messiah and he will soothe them away.

Trust the path he has chosen for you and walk in faith.

Your Partner in Hope.

D’Ebi

The Christmas Promise

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So here’s what I decided to do this first day of advent and throughout this advent period, post encouraging words for those in waiting.

Christmas and the period leading up to it are usually the loneliest for the heart in waiting.

As the season unfolds, the couple in waiting is usually not the focus, instead a baby in a manger is. How do you relate to this? How do you celebrate the birth of a child when your hearts desires lingers.

So on this first day of advent I want to encourage you with this words taken from Jeremiah 33:14-15.

The days are coming declares the Lord, when I will fulfill the gracious promise that I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah.

In those days and in that time, I will make a righteous shoot sprout from David’s line.

He will maintain justice and righteousness in the land.

I was reminded of this scriptures recently and encouraged by it. It’s comforting to know that God still fulfills promises.

The birth of Jesus was the fulfilment of the gracious promise he made to the house of Israel and Judah. He honoured the promised and it happened exactly as he said it would. Jesus came from David’s line and he maintained justice and righteousness in the land.

So as we approach the season of merriment be encouraged. Hold on to the promise he made to you. He said there shall be none barren or miscarriage in your home. Hold on to this and remind him of his word.

The days are coming when he will fulfil the gracious promise he made to you.

Just as Christ was the promised future hope and in His birth, death and resurrection the promise was fulfilled.

So too, he will birth in you a hope that will see you through to the fulfilment of his gracious promise.

So let not your heart be troubled.

Your Partner in Hope

D’ebi

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Grieving The Past.

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I was recently trying to catch up with some of the old episodes of the ‘Good Wife’, the American soap based on a working mother, Alisha. One of the episode reminded me of how I use to grief about the past
In one scene Alisha went back in time and grieved for Will “the past love” she never knew Will had for her.
It was very emotional  to see that she really was suffering and heartbroken at what might have been if she knew.

Grieving the past is so real when it comes to infertility and loss. Our grief is made worse when something happens to remind us of what we could have had.

Having suffered multiple miscarriages and failed treatment cycle, my grieve was always front and centre whenever I see a child or am confronted with the news of another pregnancy. I am reminded of what may never be.

My struggle with the past was real. I always  felt heartbroken to think I may not experience the love of my child.

Allowing the past to dictate our present or future can leave us trapped in misery, unable to move forward to the possibility of future successes. See related post on Coping with Miscarriage and Loss

I hated being miserable and also knew that a healthy mind is necessary if I was to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother. So it was necessary to let go of past pains. I determined to be resolute, to wilful put the past behind. This decision did not come easily, but I was able to immerse myself in other interests which helped me leg go of the past pains .

Aside from being Mindful, I also had to

  1. Acknowledge that it is normal to hurt and to remember what I have suffered: If this pieces describes you, do not feel guilty about remembering your pain, it is a natural human emotions. Sometimes we berate ourselves for allowing the past to invade our minds. Free yourself from the guilt of looking back and acknowledge that it is a normal thing to do.
  2. Share Your Pain: One of the areas ‘Waiters’ fall short of  is sharing their pain. For me this was certainly the case.” Who will understand”? I often mused. Carrying the burden alone makes it harder to get rid of. There is an old saying ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’. Often we find release when we share our worries. There is a purpose in your pain. Find someone you can talk to, your partner, a caring friend, a Facebook group or other local support group. Do not suffer alone. Sharing helps us cope with the burden and for me it made the burden lighter.
  3. Seek Help. If your past pain has left you crippled and afraid to try again. Seek help. Your local health practitioner will point you in the right direction. Get some counselling to help you deal with the pain.
  4. Try, try and try again. The best way to get over a disappointment is to try again if you are able to. All hope is not lost, positive virtualization will help you focus on a different image of yourself. 
  5. Set Your Mind To Be Happy. Personally I don’t like being sad. I had to wilfully decide to stop grieving NO Matter what. Set your mind and determine to put the past behind.

Have you suffered lost? Maybe you had an abortion as a teenager and now you blame that act for your current reality. Maybe you let go of a good guy or girl for your current partner and now you feel guilty for causing pain.

Your situation is no fault of yours. Having shared your burden, sought help and acknowledge your grief. You maybe in a better place to try again knowing that your story is still unravelling.

The disappointments of the past can be a springboard to the victories of the future. Set your mind free from what could have been and look forward to what is possible if you try.

Abound in hope as you wait and for your own little burden of joy.

Related Post: The Pain of Miscarriage,Past Pains. ,Keeping Hope Alive

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Past Pains. 

D'Ebi1 Comment

Today I met a beautiful friend of mine with 3 special people in tow. Over coffee we reminisce our past. The pains of waiting. 

The tears we shared over unwanted medical results and the fears we entertained on the possibility of never being a mum.

The sadness at being judged for not having kids, the trepidations we felt while waiting at the Dr’s office and the intense pain from yet another failed cycle.  

The endless questions of when will it be?

Today we drank coffee while our kids played with play doh. Together we watched them played snakes and ladders and them boss each other around.  

Today we smiled, laughed and scolded those little monkeys, but most of all today we looked back with gratitude. We counted our blessings and said a prayer for those still waiting for their miracle. 

Today was the yesterday we hoped and prayed for. 

Nothing is special about us, except we choose to hope and continue in the faces of negative results and reports.

We never gave up hope. 

When against all odds we were told our wombs cannot carry a child because it was badly scared, we hoped.

When we were told our situation was unexplained, we hoped.

When we were told no egg was viable from yet another IVF treatment we just, we hoped.

When friends after friends had babies and we go away from every christening crying, because we felt like failures, we hoped.

Today our hope is a reality. Our desires, living, talking, breathing and laughing. 

Today I encourage you to hold on, draw strength from within and keep hope alive. 

I can only ask that you look at my story and believe that perhaps your you desires too will become real. 

Don’t tire, keep trying.

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This poem was written during my mid night hour. I had just finished a course of treatment and it seems like the wait will go on indefinitely with no end in sight.
Something dropped in my spirit to never tire of trying and to keep on hoping and trying.

Be encouraged by it: Don’t tire, keep trying

keep on trying:
when the test strips comes up negative
I will keep on trying

All of me yearns for a baby to have and to hold
to cherish and cuddle
to nurture and treasure
though there is delay, and it seems my wait will yield no gain

still I will keep on trying

for I have come to know, delay is not denial, and when waiting makes me weary.
My anxious fears are calmed in the distance hope which keeps me trying.

 

 

Your Partner in Hope

 

D’Ebi

 

Other Related Post:

A Woman In Waiting, Christmas and waiting::Others View Point

Christmas and waiting::

D'Ebi1 Comment

This is one of my favourite times of the year. Simply because I let my hair down, catch up with friends and family. However, this can also be a very challenging time for a woman In waiting. Churches, schools and offices put up shows to celebrate the birth of our saviour, for me, having to deal with the the questions that comes with not having a child of my own was just too much. 

Being a choir teacher meant that I was tasked with putting up a Christmas show for the kids whose ages are between 5-12. My time with these kids was precious, as I just loved seeing them flourish… but the remarks from their parents though well meaning, were mostly uncalled for. 

I took it as a real concern from them as I was a married woman without a child of my own yet here I was helping with the kids choir, to them, it is must be the most difficult of jobs, which it was. 

I understand their concerns and genuine care but for a woman trying I did not need to hear it every single week, especially at christmas.  So Christmas is the one time of the year where I dreaded being with my choir kids. I love my friends kids, nieces and nephews, and my choir kids, but I just wanted the questions and pitiful looks to stop. I wanted to enjoy the seasons without the talk of ‘don’t worry’ it will happen. 

To deal either this time and other festive periods I had to develop my own coping or surviving mechanism: 

Here are five ways I dealt deal with Christmas seasons:

  1. I smile: it’s as simple as that, though I hurt inside each Christmas I had to gather my choir kids and teach them their lines, I smile and have fun through it all… at gatherings I don’t bring up the topics but smile when brought up… smiling mask the pain I felt inside. I didn’t have to sit and listen to all the comments which were sometimes too personal, but I always smiled and excused myself if I have to. 
  2. I seek ways to have fun: Having tried to have a have a baby without success i became stronger as the wait continued,.. where once I would hide away and not take part any event like being a choir teacher, as I walked the road I made a decision do the things I love. I started fun with my friends.

    Thankfully I was blessed and still am with friends in similar situations and during Christmas ime and other festive periods we would go out to movies, theatres and just hang out. This took our focus off the situation. Being with the kids, was also a way of escape for me as always come away elated and blessed after every meeting. 

  3. Spend time with non judgmental love one: our families were incredible through it all: even though they were anxious for us to have a baby, not one word of worry or concern was spoken. We identified those families members who were our strongest supporters and whom we knew were praying with us and spent our holidays with them. They were our source of encouragement and though their support was unspoken it was felt every time we were with them. We were comfortable with them and their kids without the pressure of answering or keeping up appearances. 
  4. Do not avoid gatherings: No matter what, I decided i will enjoy Christmas, i always join the party, in church or at work, knowing life must go on… As a naturally fun person I refused to be beaten by infertility… so I joined celebrations like Carol and nativity services… 

  5. I reflected: To me Christmas is a time of reflection, so I reflected on the miracle of a child brought to us as a saviour, to mend our broken hearts, to bring us our own miracle and to heal our pain… so I reflected on this miracle while having faith for my own. 

So this Christmas don’t dread or fear, rather do hope and find a way to enjoy the season. Believe in the goodness of others that their concerns and remarks although sometimes not welcomed or sought for, is well meaning. Look to God who brought the miracle of Jesus via a virgin birth to bring you your own miracle child… and as you do Smile and be encouraged by the lyrics from Kirk Franklin’s song: Smile: 

This song’s for you

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower
I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile, so smile
Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine

Nothing but clouds and it’s dark in my heart

And it feels like a cold night

Today’s a new day, tell me where are my blue skies

Where is the love and the joy that you promised me

Tell me it’s alright
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain

Fell from heaven like a shower now
I smile, even though I hurt see I smile

I know God is working so I smile

Even though I’ve been here for a while

I smile, smile

It’s so hard to look up when you been down

Sure would hate to see you give up now

You look so much better when you smile
Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

Oh oh oh you look so much better when you

My Wishes

D'EbiLeave a comment

Have you ever looked at someone and wish you had what they’ve got. Do you envy  them because you think everything’s going well for them and they have it all made.

Infertility has a way of making you look at those with children as having it all.

At the beginning of my trying period, I had no qualms being around pregnant women or those with kids. But as the years rolled by without any news from me it started to become painful.

I always felt that those with kids have sorted lives. They were alright, as they seem to be perfectly happy and secured. Resentment sometimes show up when spiteful remarks were made.

I remember being at a BBQ sitting next to a friend who had 2 kids when one of her mummy friends walked up. They chatted about their kids for what seems like eternity when suddenly the mum looked at me and asked, have you got kids?

To which I replied, ‘no’.

She replied: “lucky you”, you won’t understand what it means”.

“These little devils are the most difficult things”.

This was one day I was tempted to say something like.

“Lucky you, you have never tried and failed to get pregnant”.

“You have some little devils, I have none”.

“You have never suffered the loss of a pregnancy”

“You obviously took in at the first try”.

“You have a sorted life, that’s why you make such insensitive remarks.

These thoughts did go through my mind, but I held my tongue. Remarks like these can derail your peace and upset you for the rest of the day, they come and go, so do not dwell on them. I cried inside but quietly smiled and walked away.

It turned out her life was not perfect and she was going through a divorce and was solely responsible for the kids, which is a huge task.

Yes, I wanted what she has, kids, my own kid but not at the expense of my marriage. My friend later apologised for the insensitivity of her friend.

It is natural for us to want kids, why shouldn’t we? The longer it takes for us to have them, the more difficult it becomes. These delays reveal so much about ourselves to us. The absence of kids in our lives may cause us to think others have perfect lives, far from it.

You too may think life is perfect for that friend, neighbour, sister or co-worker looking at them through the eyes of your situation.

Remember, even though they may not have struggled with infertility, they may have other issues to contend with, like caring for a severely disabled child or parent, an untreatable illness, a broken relationship, depression etc.

Whenever you find yourself making comparisons between yourself and others. Stop and count the many blessings in your life which they may not have.

Everyone has something and everyone equally doesn’t have something. So you have something that someone else doesn’t have and vice versa.

My experience with Infertility taught me that to have any peace in life I have to stop comparing my blessings or trials to that of others. I encourage you to do the same, do not compare your blessings or your trials to other people’s blessings or trials.

You are unique and peculiar, this experience is shaping you to become the best you there can be.

 

 

Not Inadequate

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do not hate any manMy blood boils, as the news broke on national TV, how dare she bring that up I fumed at no one in particular. What kind of woman uses the fact that she has children over another woman who can’t? Only a woman who has never suffered the pain of infertility or loss of a child.

I was enraged. I don’t know Theresa personally, but I do understand what it is to suffer from infertility.

The news this week has been of the interview given by Andrea Leadsom to the Times Newspaper. This came about as both she and Theresa May contested for the leadership of the conservative party. In a bid to throw the first punch she gave an interview to the Times where she claimed to be the best candidate because she has kids and her opponent don’t.

Theresa May has previously openly talked about her inability to have kids. As I watched the story played out on national TV I was shocked at the insensitivity of her opponent.

Infertility should not be an ace to be used in a contest, neither should other illness be used in the political arena.

I am reminded of the story of Hannah and her mate long time ago, both of them were married to the same men. Unlike her mate, Hannah was unable to bear children. Her rival wife taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children. This went on year after year. Every time she went to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted. Hannah was reduced to tears and had no appetite. Her mate made her felt inadequate at every opportunity she had.

The beauty of it all was that Hannah never uttered a word. She took her pain and her problem to the all-knowing and all faithful one.

Infertility, loss or stillbirth can open the door for others to thrown mud at you. People may secretly glee at your demise, or make sniggering remarks regarding your situation.

Do not worry, just take Your problems to God.  I remember when I got such remarks I always felt rage inside, but held my tongue.

Theresa May did the honourable thing and uttered not a word in her defence. Instead others fought for her. She didn’t have to do anything others took it upon themselves and called for Andrea to resign, which she did.

The battle is not yours, the battle is the Lord’s.  He who has brought you this far will see you all the way. Just like Theresa, hold your peace, soon you will be matching your way to victory.

I dedicate this piece to anyone who has tried and failed to see their desires birthed in a child

To see suffering turned to glory

To anyone who wishes for a miracle but got a miscarriage

Your pain does not define you,

The snares and jeers will not deter you

Give your dreams wings to fly, soar above every pain and ugliness and see beyond to a peace and blessed ending.