Speak Out

The struggles one goes through while battening infertility are numerous. I use to feel like the journey will never come to an end. I felt helpless by the lack of a diagnosis.

Amongst other issues I felt there was no one I can talk to. Everyone around me had a baby, no one struggled the same way I perceived , who will understand? I did not feel I could speak to those who walked the same road, but I was wrong.

I just needed to speak out. Find a medium and speak about it. I did do something I began to write and the moment I did, my journey of hope began. I no longer felt alone.

I found a support I never knew was there. Writing also helped me to open up and offer support to others.

When we bottle our feelings we close the doors to allowing ourselves to experience release from pain and fear. Our hopes remain bottled up.

Reading about the struggles of Gaberiella Union in her journey through infertility is encouraging.

As she said, “it’s either I am currently undergoing a cycle, coming out of a treatment or preparing for one”. Speaking out releases and helps her deal with the process.

Read the article here

https://www.purewow.com/news/gabrielle-union-fertility-struggles

She’d like to tell women going through the same thing, to overcome the fear of hiding it. “Just know if you are out there having fertility issues,” she said, “you are not alone.”

That’s my encouragement to you. You are not alone.speak out, and you will find renewed hope and support.

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

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Charred summer BBQ food could lead to fertility problems, new research reveals

The UK finally welcomed some much needed sunshine today. We basked in its glory and welcomed it with cold drinks, ice creams, music, sun hats and shades.

This weekend will see dinners in the gardens and parks as the BBQ makes its appearance .

If you are TTC (trying to conceive), a new research finds that charred Summer BBQ may not be the best options .

There is no arm in knowing, so please read and decide for yourself.

Read more at http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/wellbeing/blackened-charred-foods-bad-for-fertility-360707#3lG0ek4yIRm7Ztyo.99

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Exploring Other Options: ICSI

I have previously written on exploring other options when it comes to seeking fertility treatment. This POST will examine one of those options the ICSI.

According to the HFEA.

the cause of infertility in around half of couples having problems conceiving is sperm-related. ICSI offers hope to these couples most common and successful treatment for male infertility.

ICSE means – (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection )ICSI is a specialised form of In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) it is used for the treatment of severe cases of male-factor infertility.

It is intended for couples with the following problems.

very low sperm count

abnormally shaped sperm (poor morphology) or where the sperm move abnormally (poor motility)

previous IVF TREATMENT.

A situation Where the sperm needs to be collected surgically from the testicles or epididymis (a narrow tube inside the scrotum where sperm are stored and matured); possibly because of vasectomy,

The process involves the injection of a single sperm directly into a mature egg.

Just like IVF the process involves stimulating the ovaries to produce a mature egg. Once the eggs are matured they are retrieved and fertilised with the sperm.

When the egg is fertilised it is left in the lab for a few days.

The embryo is transfer

embryo transfer can be two in some cases the number of embryo transferred depends on the woman’s age, once transferred it is recommended that the woman reduce their movement for the next 24 hours. the remaining good-quality embryos will be frozen and stored to be used in future cycle if necessary.

After the transfer, then begin the wait, before the all-important pregnancy test.

Availability:

according to the NHS website couples undergoing IVF treatment can use ICSI as a method of insemination if required.

The University Hospitals Coventry and Warwickshire NHS Trust was one of the first in the country to be licensed to offer the treatment.

How is ICSI different from IVF?

The steps are similar at the early stages however with IVF the eggs are placed together with the sperm fertilization occurs when the sperm swims to the egg.

In ICSI there is a bit more interference by the embryologist. Here the sperm is selected and injected directly into the egg.This maximises the chance of fertilisation taking place as it bypasses any potential problems the sperm will have in actually getting to the egg.

the success rate?

generally the success rate for both IVF and ICSI are similar. According to the HFEA fertilisation happens in around 90% of cases.

Fertilisation doesn’t necessarily means a successful pregnancy.

One of the deterring factor for success is a woman’s age and any previous difficulty.in conceiving. After transfer there is a 2 weeks wait at before pregnancy can be confirmed by a blood test.

I hope you found this useful. For more in depth information please visit the Following website

NHS UK

HFEA

And your family Doctor

Your Partner in Hope

D’Ebi

Infertility: A Male and Female Issue.

The first sign that something is wrong soon after a couple decides to have a baby, is when the woman fails to fall pregnant after a few months of trying. Some couples remain hopeful and think nothing about infertility.

I had never thought of the word infertility before I was faced with it. Our inability to become pregnant led to the first of many consultations and test.

The test were performed on both of us and we felt confident about our reproductive abilities. I guess no one wants to think their body is in capable of performing the role it was intended to.

We were relieved to know that neither of us had any reason to stop us from getting pregnant. The results of our test was no comfort when we to fall pregnant.

The thought that I am the reason for our demise never left me and as I spoke to other women facing similar trials I came to learn that women view themselves as the main Cause.

Many ethnicities view infertility as a woman’s sole responsibility and so many marriages have broken down from interference by the man’s family. “They just can’t understand why their son remains married to a infertile woman”.

I witness first hand as a friend struggled to convince her husband to undergo some test to determine the cause of their problems.

In the end, their marriage broke up because he strongly refused to undergo any form of test, claiming he had fathered a child before, so he can’t possibly be impotent.

There lies the perception, that infertility is a female issue and this stems from age old misconceptions that it is a woman’s duty to produce an heir for her husband/Partner. Therefore she’s ultimately to blame for failing to be pregnant.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in its 2014-2016 report finds that amongst other issues, male infertility is the most common reason why British couples seek IVF treatment.

No man wants to believe they are “shooting blank”. And it is a common male locker room banter to hear men claiming they might have secretly fathered a child unknown to him.

On the country, most women I know blame themselves even before any test results. Often excusing their partners as innocent party to this unfortunate event thrust upon them.

Women are their most fierce critics, blaming themselves for putting their career first, being too choosy, as a result their biologists clocked has timed out.

New research such as those conducted by

Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School in Boston shows that sperm quality markedly decline with age. This make it harder for men to sire children well into old age as well as the possibilities of birth defect if they father kids later in life.

The solution:

I personally feel the solution or part of the way forward is for men to acknowledge that there is a possibility they might have the problem and be willing to undergo some test.

Men should not assume that because they fathered a child before, that rules them out from having any infertility problems in the future.

Women should also not automatically assume the blame without a clear diagnoses, even then the man should also get tested. They should stop denigrating and being self critical.

Given the heartbreak, invasion of one’s life and mental upheaval one faces, it is important for couples to be supportive of each other regardless of who has the issue. Infertility should not be seen as an arena dedicated solely to women, but rather a shared burden.

Society has a duty to educate everyone that It can be both a male and female issue. And dispel this wrong thinking when it comes to infertility.

Related Post:

A woman’s Dilemma? is 40 too old?Infertility: A lonely JourneyOthers View Point

Unfair Generosity

be the momI often hear statements like these “life’s not for”, or ‘this is not fair’. We uttered these words during times of hardships or whenever we are faced with difficult circumstances..

For me, I saw life as unfair when I failed to get pregnant while a young girl who has no means of taking  care of her child keeps getting pregnant.
Life isn’t fair when those who have no business having kids, do and the kids end up being abused.

I will never forget the day I cried after watching the sentencing of a couple who murdered their child, ‘it’s not fair I wailed!’

Surely, God should have seen this coming and placed that child in a lovely home to parents who will raise them better. 

Life isn’t fair when another friend tells me she is pregnant by accident….really? Is there any such thing? I often wondered. Why not me? ‘I would love an accidental pregnancy’ ”Lord”… 

Unfairness seems to be everywhere I looked as a waiting woman. It doesn’t matter the blessings I enjoyed, I looked at them with the eyes of unfairness. I would enjoy it better if I had kids, “ I reasoned”.

It dawned on me that there will never be a fairness in life as long as I chose to view every situation from “my cup is half empty”…

Let me ask these questions of you as I asked myself while going through my waiting period. How many times have you asked, ‘why me for each blessing you received’? For being promoted at work? Or receiving an unexpected gift. 

Surely it’s unfair to find strength to face this situation, while others struggle to keep their marriage and lose their health. Some folks didn’t make it as far as you did.

Is life unfair when We are repeatedly blessed financially? 

Is life unfair when God constantly provides to meet our needs with funds for each treatment and medication? No, we never considered that some people will never be able to afford a treatment for infertility. 

Is life unfair when your spouse or partner showers you with unfailing love even in the midst of infertility? Some marriages couldn’t withstand the pressure of waiting and trying.

Our obsession with comparing ourselves to others has bred a generation of ungrateful beings.

Have you ever stopped to think that your blessings is viewed as unfair by someone else? 

The workers in the story in Matthew 20, viewed their employer’s generosity as unfair… They wanted a decent pay for a good day’s work… However they were surprised to find that even those who started work at the close of day got as much as those who started earlier. 

“O”, how unfair” they cried…how can we who started at six, put in a day’s job, get the same wages as those who started at the end of the day.

They failed to realised that the farmer’s generosity wasn’t based on an hourly rate. It was a daily flat rate regardless of the time worked. They negotiated the Daily rate deal for those who were to come after…

Those who got the same for doing less never complained, only those who did more for the same

No, we never complained when we are at the receiving end of a blessings only when we deemed others more blessed than they should be or more blessed than us…

Who determines who gets what? The wage giver and in his time he will give what he deems fit to everyone who asks.

Did he not promise everyone who ask receives? Not he who asked first, or ask last. 

You may have asked longer than the newly wedded couple down the road, who just welcomed their first baby … they are the labourers who just entered the farm.

Regardless, you will be rewarded with the same blessings, a child…long wanted, who will be welcomed, wrapped in fine clothing, a gift for your labour.

 It won’t matter how long you have waited then… faithfully wait and do away with the comparison.
What is viewed as unfair is someone’s blessings. Let’s learn to celebrate others as we wait expectantly for our blessings.

 

Your partner in Hope

 

Debbie

Avoid Depression 

free PrintablesA wait that is hopeful is a wait that looks forward expectantly, purposely and joyously.

A wait which strengthens and prepares your heart for what you expect. What use is there in being miserable on the journey? Easy to say unh? Unfortunately misery often accompanied me while I waited for my little bean.

I thought I was strong, always the positive one until I couldn’t get pregnant. I kept it together for a while until the questions started coming. Questions from well meaning friends and foes. The scale finally tilted and I almost caved in to depression.

A subtle, creepy creature sneaks in, often  from a reaction to  an angry outburst, or insensitive slur it comes unannounced taking hold of its prey.

I felt I was losing control of my emotions and started feeling helpless. I sought help and found out that  the following can be a sign of depression:shake it off

Helplessness: research have shown that whenever we are depressed, we usually experience a feeling of helplessness. Our feelings are brought about by our thoughts which produces fruits. Good fruits or bad fruits.

If you constantly think thoughts like “why us/me”? “everyone is having a baby but me”, “will I ever have kids”?, “I give up”. This will be followed by a feeling of helplessness, which in turn leads to misery characterised by constant tears. 

Deep sadness: as he thinks, so he is. Infertility is a cause of misery which leads to deep sadness. An indescribable feeling which also leads to feelings of helplessness.

If you constantly dwell on the negative, joy and peace will elude you. How can you expect to feel great when your heart is heavy from pain. 

Feelings of rejection: as our thoughts leads to deep sadness in time we may begin to feel rejected. This feeling is a worse state of being because we may fall into the trap of interpreting the actions of everyone based on our issues.

I decided to do something about my mental state to avoid going over the edge.

  1.  Talk about my feelings: I started opening up about my feeling and soon found release. You can go for counselling if you do not want to feel vulnerable in front of friends. Your local clinic or health centre may be able to recommend a good counselling clinic. There might be sessions for those struggling to conceive, with programs designed to help deal with  depression.
  2. I decided to be joyful on  purpose: Your mind is the control room of your whole body. It sends signal to your brain, heart and body. Feed it with good and positive things and out of it will come joy. 
  3. Find inspiration around you: be inspired when you hear a good news story, either on the news or from a magazine or a kind act. Train mind to focus on the good concerning your situation. Controlling your thought is the first step in achieving freedom from depression. img_2580

  4. Be anchored to hope: hope is what keeps you going, believing and trying. Hopes is the tread which keeps you tied to the dream. If you don’t keep your hopes up, they will go down and soon you will drift away from your dreams, faith and beliefs. Be a prisoner to hope, build a strong resolved to try and trust again. Be convinced about something good coming your way.
  5. Pray: prayer really helped me let go of the hurt, pain and disappointment I felt from not falling pregnant. In praying we can release the heavy burden, sadness, helplessness and depression to God. In prayer, we become free.

I am not denying the fact that there will be days when tears is all you’ve got, when the pain of trying weighs you down. The pain is real and present. However, deciding to enjoy life and live free from depression may be the push you need to get  through it. 

Remember: the clouds will come, then it gives way to the sun. Every downpour will cease, trouble and pain will be followed by gain, we may understand some and  others we may not.

So whatever season you are in right now,  remember, after a while this too shall pass.

Your Friend and Partner in Hope

 

D’Ebi

 

We are equals

My blood boils, as the news broke on national TV, how dare she bring that up I fumed at no one in particular. What kind of woman uses the fact that she has children over another woman who can’t? Only a woman who has never suffered the pain of infertility or loss of a child, I concluded.

I was enraged. I don’t know Theresa May personally, but I do understand what it is to suffer from infertility.

This was last month, during the leadership contest between Theresa May and Andrea Leadson, the only news that week was the interview given by Andrea Leadsom to the times newspaper. In a bid to throw the first mud she gave an interview to the times where she claimed she’s a better candidate because she has kids and her opponent did not.

Theresa May had previously openly talked about her inability to have kids. As I watched the story played out on national TV I was shocked at the insensitivity of her opponent.

Infertility should not be an ace to be used in a contest. The same way as one suffering from cancer, diabetes or other serious illness cannot be mocked.you are not inferior

I am reminded of the story of Hannah and her mate long time ago, both of them were married to the same men, unlike her mate, Hannah was unable to bear children. Her rival wife taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children. This went on year after year. Every time she went to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted. Hannah was reduced to tears and had no appetite. Her mate made her felt inadequate at every opportunity she had.

The beauty of it all was that Hannah never uttered a word. She took her pain and her problem to the all-knowing and all faithful one.  Infertility, loss or stillbirth can open the door for others to thrown mud at you. People may secretly glee at your demise, or make sniggering remarks regarding your situation. Do not worry, just take your problems to God.  I remember when I got such remarks I always felt rage inside, but held my tongue.

 

Theresa May did the honourable thing and uttered not a word in her defence. Instead others fought for her. She didn’t have to do anything others took it upon themselves and called for Angela to resign, which she did.

The battle is not yours, the battle is the Lord’s.  He who has brought you this far will see you all the way. Just like Theresa, hold your peace, soon you will be matching your way to victory.

Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth does not make you less qualify than anybody else, neither is anyone better than you because they have kids. We all fight different battles, the test of our faith comes in different ways. As you walk this road, be secured in the knowledge of who you are in Christ. You are a victor in every area of your life, belief it.  

I dedicate this piece to anyone who has tried and failed to see their desires birthed in a child

To see suffering turned to glory

To anyone who wished for a miracle but got a miscarriage

Your pain does not define you,

The snares and jeers will not deter you

Give your dreams wings to fly, soar above every pain and ugliness and see beyond to a peaceful and blessed ending.

 

Your friend in hope.

Debbie

National Infertility Awarness Week.

This week is national infertility week,  to mark it, we want to focus on causes and cure of infertility. Infertility does not give any warning, often the first time couples find out that they have a problem conceiving is after marriage or after trying for a couple of months without success, even then the thought about […]