My Wishes

Have you ever looked at someone and wish you had what they’ve got. Do you envy  them because you think everything’s going well for them and they have it all made.

Infertility has a way of making you look at those with children as having it all.

At the beginning of my trying period, I had no qualms being around pregnant women or those with kids. But as the years rolled by without any news from me it started to become painful.

I always felt that those with kids have sorted lives. They were alright, as they seem to be perfectly happy and secured. Resentment sometimes show up when spiteful remarks were made.

I remember being at a BBQ sitting next to a friend who had 2 kids when one of her mummy friends walked up. They chatted about their kids for what seems like eternity when suddenly the mum looked at me and asked, have you got kids?

To which I replied, ‘no’.

She replied: “lucky you”, you won’t understand what it means”.

“These little devils are the most difficult things”.

This was one day I was tempted to say something like.

“Lucky you, you have never tried and failed to get pregnant”.

“You have some little devils, I have none”.

“You have never suffered the loss of a pregnancy”

“You obviously took in at the first try”.

“You have a sorted life, that’s why you make such insensitive remarks.

These thoughts did go through my mind, but I held my tongue. Remarks like these can derail your peace and upset you for the rest of the day, they come and go, so do not dwell on them. I cried inside but quietly smiled and walked away.

It turned out her life was not perfect and she was going through a divorce and was solely responsible for the kids, which is a huge task.

Yes, I wanted what she has, kids, my own kid but not at the expense of my marriage. My friend later apologised for the insensitivity of her friend.

It is natural for us to want kids, why shouldn’t we? The longer it takes for us to have them, the more difficult it becomes. These delays reveal so much about ourselves to us. The absence of kids in our lives may cause us to think others have perfect lives, far from it.

You too may think life is perfect for that friend, neighbour, sister or co-worker looking at them through the eyes of your situation.

Remember, even though they may not have struggled with infertility, they may have other issues to contend with, like caring for a severely disabled child or parent, an untreatable illness, a broken relationship, depression etc.

Whenever you find yourself making comparisons between yourself and others. Stop and count the many blessings in your life which they may not have.

Everyone has something and everyone equally doesn’t have something. So you have something that someone else doesn’t have and vice versa.

My experience with Infertility taught me that to have any peace in life I have to stop comparing my blessings or trials to that of others. I encourage you to do the same, do not compare your blessings or your trials to other people’s blessings or trials.

You are unique and peculiar, this experience is shaping you to become the best you there can be.

 

 

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The Pain of Misscarriage

what to do when you feel stuck (1)In today’s news was Gordon Ramsey and wife who had suffered a miscarriage at 5 months. I was particularly drawn to this story because I too suffered a few miscarriages. As I read their story something struck me, it doesn’t matter if you already have 4 lovely kids or are waiting for your first child, the pains are just as raw, cruel and real. It doesn’t matter if you are wealthy or poor, miscarriage knows no class.

What it feels like:

I know first-hand what it feels like. For a couple or woman suffering from infertility, falling pregnant and having a miscarriage is the worst nightmare. when we finally fall pregnant with the baby we’ve waited for, we were in disbelief. It’s funny how we gap in disbelief when something we have been waiting for finally happened.

When I found out I was pregnant, I walked around in disbelief for days, no one knew, except my hubby. We did not jump in excitement but just went about numb, until the 6th week, when it felt like we can begin to hope.

HOPE DASHED

Hope is a beautiful thing, it fills your heart with joy, and gladness. I walked around like I was carrying a secret, which I was.

Hope brings happiness and offers peace eternal. Until my story changes, I lost my baby at 11 weeks, no heartbeat. Something was wretched out of me.

How can this be happening to me? God no, how can I have waited so long for a baby only to have my hope dashed again? Is this going to be another story of infertility and loss. I can remember thinking I can suffer one, but not both.

I hoped it won’t happen again and I was wrong. I lost two babies in a row, hope gone. The worse part was I had to bleed it out, I had to have a mini labour. It was not a pleasant experience as I watched my child slowing bleed away as I called it.

YOUR REALITY

You too may have suffered the same fate, and feel at your wits end, perhaps you are well in age and wondering if you will ever fall pregnant again, or you maybe young and feel the uncertainty of the future, as you feel helpless, lonely and hopeless.

Tears were my frequent companions most days as my heart became too heavy from the burden I bear. I felt as if life was having a laugh at my expense.

I wanted answers but none was fought coming:

It happens” was the response from doctors,” just try again was what I got from friends”, it was with dread I went to my appointments. Even now the pain is still real.

I HOPED AGAIN:

But I found the strength to go on, to live again, to hope and to try again. There is an appointed time for everything under the sun, I reasoned, my season will come. My help comes from the Lord, who helped me to hoped again, dreamed again and believed again. what to do when you feel stuck

Although my questions remained unanswered, He became my partner in hope: I found comfort in his word:

  “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. Psalm 42:5

He gave me strength to wait again:” I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope.  Psalm 130:5.

Waiting is always the hardest part through it all: with Infertility, we are constantly waiting, waiting for the test to show positive, waiting at the doctor’s office, waiting at for the test results, waiting more waiting: But with his strength, the wait was made easier, as I place each disappointment in his care.

My wish for you is that you will keep hope alive, no matter what, and when the wait seems endless just draw strength from his word which will infuse you with peace and the patience you need to keep try again.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

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Your partner in hope

Debbie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wishes for More:


It was Easter and I had decided to spend it with a dear friend. We don’t often see each other due to the nature of our jobs. We do however find time during holidays.During one of our days out, my friend shared some good news with me. She found a job, a dream job, well almost. I finally found courage to applied for a new job she said and I got it. Wow! great news, I said.

To say her next statements was a shock to me was an understatement. She went on to say this “ but it’s not the exact position I wanted. I would have loved to get the other open position. It’s much better than this job and I think I can Do a much better job than xyz who got it, after all I am better qualified.  

Are you crazy? You have just got his amazing job and here you are comparing it to someone else’s? I couldn’t believe it. I pulled her up straightaway. 

Here I was waiting for a child and all she can talk about is the fact that some else has got a better job than hers. 
We do that sometimes, don’t we? Constantly comparing our situation to others. Wishing we had something much better than our current situation. 

She’s got a better a job than i, She’s got a better marriage, I wish our relationship was like theirs. She’s got a better car, I belt everything is going well for her, she’s got 3 well put together children, 

How about, she’s got kids and I don’t and, she’s not even a Christian. She was very promiscuous and yady yady ya 

Yet she’s married and blessed with children. 

Infertility reveals certain things about ourselves which are ugly. It was during this phase of my life I discovered some unpleasant truths about myself which I had to deal with.

Yes, we have those moments where we feel really bad and allow our mind to wander off. Nothing wrong here. It is the continued comparison and feelings of unhappiness which has the potential to really turn us into ugly and angry waiters. 
Yes, someone have it better than me, 

Yes, they only just got married

Yes, they aren’t Christian. 

Whatever it is which threatens to change you from who you were before infertility, stop and check it. Deal with your emotions

Waiting isn’t easy, to come out of this season better, here are 3 practical steps to help guard your heart 

1. Find 3 things to be thankful for daily. Research shows that finding 3 different things to be thankful for frees us from worry and forces our mind to look deep within to find what’s always being there. Making this a daily habit takes the focus off our situation and to the positives in our lives. Adopting a grateful mindset frees us from fear and worry. Cultivate this habit and soon you will see your happiness reservoir increases. 2. Do something nice daily for someone else, leave a surprise for your post man, give something nice to the guy who serves you coffee. Ask the cleaner when her/his birthday is and get her/him a nice present, volunteer at a care home, write someone a nice anonymous note. doing something for others gives a nice feeling, in that moment and for the rest of that day your focus is on someone else, taken away from your issues. 


3. Pray: prayer releases faith and replace fear. It frees us from worry and increase trust. Praying often will release you from the need to compare ourselves with others. In prayer we yield our helplessness to the all knowing and all seeing one, we place our entire trust in him because we know he has our future in his hands and will always come through for us. Comparing ourselves with others is a natural human thing to do, however it can lead to depression of we constantly see ourselves worse of in comparison with others. We all have different battles we are engaged in, it is therefore pointless to wish for some else’s life. 

Be steady in yourself, have the confidence that you can come out of this with your hearts desires, and become a better person for it. 

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